“Dear Dad”

The sun remains an hour below the eastern horizon, and I should be sound asleep, but I’m not. I’m wide awake, and in front of this lousy keyboard.

That’s actually quite a statement from me, for one of the better traits that the good Lord has bestowed upon this body, is (was) the ability to sleep soundly in almost any time zone. Unfortunately, that seems to have changed in recent times, and it’s less than great. So the question becomes why? Why the insomnia of the last few months? Truly, it’s been a puzzle that was as troubling as it was annoying; however, a few hours ago (lying in the dark), the answer finally came. You see I, my soul, my heart, my “humanity” is in mourning. I have the feeling of being in the long, dark hallway that we’ve all seen in our childhood nightmares, but worse than that, I know that I’ve been here before, and I know not where it will end.

The following piece I penned shortly after the horrific attacks of September 11, 2001. It was in the form of a letter to my most trusted advisor, my mentor and a dear departed friend. I’m speaking, of course, of my father (hence the title “Dear Dad”). Like most of the world, I was still in a state of shock by the recent events, and I felt like I had to talk to him. It was as if I had to get the words out or I would burst. He and I shared a lifetime of love and joy with our flying machines, and these monsters had used their graceful beauty to kill and maim innocent people on a scale previously unheard of.

I now find myself at that same place. My soul and the very essence of what it is to be a human being, is greatly troubled…sickened really. Not for me, but for my children, their children and what lies ahead for my wonderful country (and the world). Birds must fly, fish must swim, and writers must write. Hence my insomnia coupled to a keyboard.

The world has seen Islamic terror for years, but recently on a scale of horror that’s almost unimaginable. A few weeks ago, it spread death on the streets of Paris, and less than forty-eight hours ago, it once again came to the shores of America, and it came hard. In Paris, it left several hundred dead and maimed, and in California a dozen innocent people dead, almost two dozen wounded, and truth be told, we were lucky. The demons (in this case, a radicalized man and his equally demented wife), were of the “sleeper” category, and only their ineptitude with explosive devices kept the carnage from being much worse.

At the risk of being labeled a political piece, I offer you the following thought. These innocent Americans were killed as much by the current culture in my homeland, as they were by Islamic jihadist. There exists a faction of the population of my country that simply cannot (WILL NOT is more accurate) acknowledge that true evil exits. This segment of our citizenry shares a view of the world that is so out of touch with reality, so “childlike” in their view of the world, that they actually live in a bubble that is not only foolish, but also very dangerous. The true evil that I speak of is, of course, Islamic terror, and its wish to kill those of us that don’t believe as they do. Part of America simply refuses to see this, and pools of blood run cold because of it.

The simple fact that days after the attack here, with EVERY shred of evidence pointing to Islamic terror, many in our government (and media) simply refuse to call this heinous act by its true name. This fact is shameful beyond words, for it cheapens the bravery and heroism of the men and women that killed this evil. It’s like watching Edward R. Murrow sheltering in the London subway during the Blitz of 1940, and hearing him say, “Well, we can see and feel the bombs falling, and Herr Hitler has indeed declared war on England, but since its dark, we can’t FOR CERTAIN tell if it’s the Luftwaffe doing the bombing.” What in the world has become of journalistic integrity? Has truth and honor given way to agenda and politics? Wake up America! The wolf is at the door, and it’s OK to call it a wolf, just as it was OK to call them Nazis and Fascists.

What makes YOU so smart? How do YOU have all the answers you must wonder? Simply put, I don’t. I will offer however, that even though six decades of heartbeats has taken its toll on this body, it has also given me (and many of my age) one thing in return…and that is clarity. Clarity in thought and deed. That we may no longer be young is offset by the fact that we are blessed with the knowing of certain things. We know that the majority of the world wants peace, prosperity, and to be simply left alone to live and love our children as God intended us to. But we know something else. We know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, real evil lives and walks among us. We know that there exits an evil so horrible that we shudder at its thought…and it takes many forms. The form it took a few days ago cannot be ignored, cannot be wished away, and no form of “political correctness” will stop it from coming back.

Just as important as this knowledge, is this difficult truth; we know that we must face it, that we must fight it, and that we must prevail. This simple thought is the ideological crossroads where the aforementioned segment of my culture and I diverge. They are simply wrong, and the consequences of their folly are dire. Their most erroneous (read dangerous) construct is the following: since they refuse to face TRUE evil, they manufacture their own version of a boogey man… a “straw man of evil” if you will. This begs the question…why do they do this? It’s actually very simple, and it’s where history will paint them with a cruel brush. If they acknowledge evil, then by their own human sense of morality, they are obliged to fight against it.

But this cannot be for them, for they believe that ANY type of fighting or war is worse than a war to vanquish evil. They believe that global warming (or “climate change”…or whatever the “nom du jour” currently might be for this) is THE BIGGEST THREAT to humanity. I have offered to those of this ilk, the following question. What do you think our climate would look like if these demons detonate a nuclear device in New York, London and Tel Aviv simultaneously? In my opinion, that monumental change in the atmospherics of this planet, would do far more harm than the carbon footprint of my F-150. Strangely, they never seem to have an answer to this query.

They also believe that second-hand smoke is evil, that sugared “big gulp” soft drinks pose a threat, that income and gender “inequality” is evil, and that legally owning a firearm is worse than wrong. But most damaging of all, they believe that I, myself must be somehow horrible, bad, even evil, because I don’t believe that these things are. Remember the word “clarity”? The collective conscious of the free world had it 70 plus years ago on the beaches of Normandy, the jungles of New Guinea, and on the streets of America, but unfortunately, many of us seem to have lost it. I fear that Islamic terror will force us to pay for our lack of this clarity…and that scares the hell out of me.

A certain leader of this country had it in spades a few years ago, but I was in my 20s/30s and mostly ignored him (and politics in general), to my shame. He once spoke these insightful words:

“Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.”

His name was Reagan, and he was beyond right. EVERY generation is tested. My parents generation was tested in the fields of Europe, and on the seas (and islands) of the Pacific. Mine in the jungles of Vietnam and the sands of the Middle East. My children now find themselves in the midst of their test, and it will be in the cities and towns of America (and Paris, and London, and Sydney), and on every street corner where freedom and liberty call home.

A certain group of people have been fighting this evil monster for years…long before they were an actual country. The people that surround them, that hate them, and wish their demise have slogans such as, “We love death more than the Jews love life.” They live with this horror daily, and have for generations. So now we must do the same. My heart weeps for them, it weeps for us, and it weeps for the world.

In a few days, my wonderful wife (my dearest friend and confidant) and I will take that next step in this war against actual evil. We will engage in weapons training (I’ve had many hours of formal weapons training, this will be her first time), and enter the world of the “sheepdog”. After becoming licensed, we will be legally armed while in public (truth be told, at home, I’m never more than just a few feet from a weapon). The circumstances that now have us thinking, acting and LIVING tactically sadden me, but the thought that evil Islamic terror lives in my beloved (free) America angers me past that sadness. America is at war…in the streets, the workplaces, the malls, the playgrounds, and yes, even our houses of worship. Regardless of the fact that the leaders of this country (and a certain segment of the population) can’t see it, simply doesn’t change the truth. I once had a person in my cockpit from the “other side” of the political isle than myself, speak these troubling words, “the truth is relative”. I recoiled at the comment, but he believed it to his soul. The blood of history has left this gory message; the truth is most certainly NOT relative. The unsettling truth is that we are in a fight for our very lives.

Several years ago, while in training to carry a firearm in the cockpit, my training class and I were subjected to a talk from a gentleman that lived his life amongst this evil. His former job was in the service of the IDF (Israeli Defense Force), and he was currently acting as an advisor to our group. He told us that America must suffer two more 9-11’s “before you will wake up to the kind of evil you are facing”. We all were a bit shocked, but his words ring true. Was the most recent attack by Islamic radical monsters our second “9-11”? I honestly don’t know. Do we need to “wake up” as a country, look this monster squarely in its bloodshot eyes, and send it back to the hell it most surely came from? The answer is obvious…at least to me. Maybe a few days ago, on a bright sunny day in California stained with the blood of innocent people, was the day everyone in America became an IDF fighter.

Do I love life (and liberty) more than the Islamic terrorists love death? Ask that question to the Jewish nation, then ask me again. I fear the next few decades will test America and the free world. I only hope and pray we have the clarity, courage and faith of our brothers and sisters across the globe from us. God bless them, and God bless the free people of the world

With that, I give you, “Dear Dad”:


(originally penned in October, 2011)

Dear Dad,

I know it’s been several years since I’ve written, but surely know that I think about you every day. How are you doing? I have many, many questions to ask you. Someday I hope that we can meander some distant golf course together under sunny skies, and just chat like we used to. How are Mom and Teresa? Please tell them that I am doing O.K., and that I love and miss them very much.

You must be wondering why I’m writing. I know that you received word about my health experiences of the last couple of years. Yeah, at times it was pretty rough. I was subjected to some rather ugly stuff, but through it all, I somehow knew that I would be strong enough to weather it. I watched you very closely as a young man, and when times got tough in your life, you did just what I hoped I could do. You toughed it out, and you shifted the focus away from you and directed it toward others. Last winter, I lay awake many nights and “talked” to you (and the Big Guy) while times were at their worst, and it helped immensely. Just the thought that you might be listening really eased my mind…you were right, there are truly no atheists in a foxhole.

The reason that I’m writing is to open my heart to you. You see, a cancer has returned, and I need your help. Please don’t be shocked, for you’ve seen it before, and you showed me how to handle it then, as I’m sure you will now. There is but one cure for this type of disease, and I’m not sure that I won’t see the cure without many, many days of pain and suffering.

Right now my heart is heavy, and I get by with thinking of the wonderful things in my life. I’ve been truly blessed with a loving wife and family. They are my pillars of strength, and my anchors in every storm. Plus, I’ve also been given the gift of many really wonderful people that I can call “friend”, and they too are what keeps me going. They’ve seen me through many bad times in my life, and I know they will be there for me again. And then, of course I have my airplanes.

I’ll never forget the morning that I made that momentous decision (as momentous as any 17 year old can make) that I wished to become a professional pilot like you. We were working on one of the many cars in our life at the time, and when I broached you with the subject, your response was, “you better go talk to your Mom about that” (I’m pretty sure I could see you grin as I walked into the house). Her answer was a roll of the eyes, and something on the order of, “oh great, another pilot”.

You and I began that wonderful journey together many years before that day, when you would take me with you out to the Army airfields. You were planting the seeds then, and now those seeds are towering oaks. I remember the time I asked you about taking the night freight job flying the Piper Navajo out of Albuquerque. This was to be my first “real” flying job out of college, and I needed your expert guidance. Your response was, “it’ll be great experience if you live through it, and if you don’t, it won’t matter will it?” (hehe, I loved the pragmatism) It was the perfect answer. Since that first “command”, I’ve had many wonderful experiences. The last 18 years with Northwest have given me so many wonderful aviating memories, that sometimes I feel a bit guilty. The flying machine in my life now is truly an incredible combination of grace, beauty, and raw power. I wish you could feel her in your grasp just once…you’d fall in love in an instant…just like I did.

But Dad, something terrible has happened. Something so incredibly bad that I can hardly understand it even now, many days later. I know you don’t get the news where you are, but you’d better sit down, this is truly a sad story. It’s almost impossible for me to understand this, but unspeakable evil has seeped into our daily lives. Evil that almost none of us can comprehend. The mongers of this curse, just a few days ago, unleashed death on such an unspeakable scale that it tears my soul just to think about it….and Dad, they used our beautiful, peaceful flying machines to do it. I know you’ve seen death on the battlefield, honorable death. But that was not this. This was no Gettysburg, no Normandy, no Dien Bien Phu…it was in the skies, and on the streets of America.

An armed group of terrorists hijacked four airliners (I can’t even use the word hijacked, for that speaks of commandeering an airplane to go to a different destination…what they did was murder the crews and take command of the jets), and then plunged three of them into prominent structures in New York and Washington D.C. In the process, they took many, many innocent civilian lives. Apparently, on the fourth jet, the passengers knew their fate and fought back. They died in their attempt to re-capture the machine, but they did what I know you (and I) would have done…they fought the bastards. They fought like their lives depended on it, as well they did. No matter what the outcome, they won…just by fighting back, they won.

I cringe when I imagine what happened on those jets…I just can’t understand it. I will NEVER be able to look to the skies, at one of those lovely machines again, and not think of those brave people. In a very real sense, something died in all of us that fateful day. Was it our sense of security in our respective worlds? I don’t know, but I do know that humanity lost something; something very precious. I remember writing in my journal about how, after losing you and Mom, I now viewed the world as if through a veil of tears. Maybe we all do now.

This is my new cancer Dad, and it’s spread throughout the world. ALL of humanity has it, and ALL of us will have to find a way to fight it. It’s a disease of hate, death and destruction. We are in for a very long fight, one that I’m afraid will take some of the best of us from this world, but I know what you would say to that. You would say, “Anything in life that’s worth having, is worth fighting for”, and you would be very, very right. Our peace and freedom most certainly fit into that category, right?

I know that you would tell me that this kind of scum has risen its ugly head before, and descent, peace-loving people of the world have fought it back to the hell it surely comes from. They fought it from the shelters of London, the streets of Stalingrad, and the caves of Okinawa, and they won. They won with the cost of much blood, pain and heartache…but in the end they prevailed. I know that you understand why we must do what will be done, and not just as Americans, but as a collective group of people sharing the same rock in space. We want only to live our lives and raise our families, in a world that doesn’t include indiscriminant killing of innocent men, women and children in the name of (religion, government, land, etc) ___________ (fill in the blank). The cancer of hate and vileness that these people spread, just simply can’t be stronger than our love for peace and freedom. It can’t be, it WON’T be.

I know you understand where my heart is now. The pain, the confusion, and the anguish I’m feeling…I’m sure you would be feeling it too. You are in a place that knows not of such things…and for this I am truly thankful. You live in a world were peace and love are the only things that prosper, where cancer under any name is unheard of. Someday, maybe we can have that here too.

Please take care of Mom, Teresa, yourself, and all of our loved ones. Also, please know that we here are trying our best day in and day out to be what you (and the other wonderful parents) have taught us to be. When you feel the gentle wind blow, and feel the warm sun on your face, please send some of that peace our way. Oh, and Dad, you’ve probably seen a lot of new faces about since a few days ago. Give them a hug, hold their hands, show them around, and realize that they’ve been through a very, very tough time.

Your loving son,

Bill

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“Driving the Bus”

Greetings from sunny Tokyo!

Actually, not sunny at all (rather dark and dreary).

In a few days, we in America will celebrate another “eleventh hour, of the eleventh day, of the eleventh month” event. It was the final bell of the “war to end all wars”; a span of four years so devastating that it claimed an entire generation of European youth, not to mention many from Down Under. We know it as “Veterans Day”, and it proudly holds a special place in my heart.

Why is that you ask? For essentially one simple reason. Each year on this one day, I ponder my adult life, and I’m left with the same conclusion each time. I feel that a very important part of it has been an abject failure. I know, harsh words to be sure, but none the less brutally honest.

I look back and reflect on the fact that I was raised in the family of a veteran, groomed to love my country (and the liberties and freedoms she represents), and wanted nothing more than to enter military service and do my duty. This would never come to pass, and in that regard, I’ve failed in my quest to repay the wonderful “idea” known as America with time spent “on watch”. My failure to serve would change my life in ways I’ll never be able to fully comprehend.

I wanted to fly. It was my calling and I heard it loud and clear. I yearned to be in the spot where I’ve been fortunate enough to call my “workplace” for almost 40 years…the cockpit of an air machine. Fate would intervene and steer me down a path far different from the one I dreamed of, and wished for, as a young man. This was to be a path that started with the rigors of military service, and ended with the cushy life of the airlines. I worked hard as a teen, kept (mostly) good grades in school, stayed in shape, and was pointed toward a scholarship that ended with a jet that had the initials USAF painted on its fuselage. It was to be, and my Dad and I couldn’t have been more excited. Then it happened… I failed.

To be exact, I failed the vision test of the entrance physical of the Air Force ROTC program that I was to attend (Texas A & M University). Way back in the days we call “the 70’s”, part of the physical exam included a thing called the “near vision acuity” test. This consisted of an Air Force enlisted person placing a ruler on the bridge of your nose, and you reading the letters on the little slide sheet that worked up and back on said ruler. The issue with my vision was inherited from my dear father himself…it was exceptional far vision. I swear my Dad could see a gnat on the ass of mule at 500 yards, and I could too it seemed! Since my ocular muscles were born of him, I was tested at an amazing far vision of 20/15 (meaning that I could see at 20’ what most folks could see at 15’), but unfortunately this meant that my near vision muscles were weaker, and the best I could do was 20/30 (what you see at 30’, I have to be at 20’ to see). The United States Air Force required no less than a rock solid 20/20 for pilots, and I simply couldn’t hack it.

My dream of serving was over. We were both upset, disheartened, and (yes) disappointed greatly. I somehow felt like I had not only let my country down, but that I had let him down too. However, he (being the beautiful man that he was) would hear none of that, and devised a plan to get me to a cockpit sans the help of the American taxpayers. I would attend an “Aviation University”, graduate with a four year bachelor’s degree (the airlines require such), and have a life amongst the clouds after all.

Those that know me, know that’s essentially the story of my life, and interestingly enough, when I was interviewing for the position at Northwest Orient Airlines roughly 10 years (to the day) from my failed USAF physical, my near vision muscles had gotten stronger, my far vision muscles had grown weaker, and my vision was a perfect “20/20”. Such was the plan laid down for my journey by a higher power, and it’s been nothing short of an incredible life.

But on that one day each year, I give thanks to those that have served, admire those that are serving, and feel a tinge of pain that I was never fortunate enough to be a part of that group of most honorable men and women. They deserve nothing less than our undying “thanks” for their sacrifices, what they’ve done for each and everyone of us.

“thank you”

The following piece I penned over 10 years ago regarding a military charter I had recently flown. Part of the addendum that would be the “current one” (not the one at the end of the piece), is that my son grew up to enter the United States Army (through the ROTC system), has deployed to a war zone twice, and is currently serving wearing the twin silver bars of a Captain. The father’s “grip of fear” that I mention in this piece has lived in this Dad’ heart, and it’s a dark place indeed. With all that said, his Mother and I could not be more proud of him. I will add his two sisters to that list…the older no less, married to an Army officer herself…he too, an exemplary young man.

With that, I give you “Driving the Bus”…

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“You’re just an overpaid bus driver”

I’ve heard that little quip from passengers, neighbors and yes, even friends and family. Over the years, I’ve spent countless hours trying to explain my world as a professional pilot to those that have no idea what it’s like. I’ve told of the many long years of training for all the sundry licenses and ratings, the crappy (and sometimes dangerous) jobs taken to build precious flight time, the frustration of yearning to work for a major airline and (through no fault of one’s own) not being able to land the job. Then after the grueling interviews and actually getting the nod, being faced with many, many hours of training and check rides, all under the jaundiced eyes of the FAA and company check-airmen. Also, I would be remiss if I failed to mention the “endless journeys” on the treadmill (and in the weight room) to stay in shape for that semi-annual trip under the medical microscope. Getting the job is one thing, keeping it can be an entirely different battle.

Strangely enough, even the folks that should (almost) understand what my world is like (the cabin attendants) simply don’t. They see us sequestered into our little closet with windows, but they’re only allowed in when things are at the most dull point in the flight…the cruise segment. I’ve actually heard them say after a long duty day, “But why are you so tired? You just sit there all day?” It can be very frustrating; for it seems the hours I’ve spent trying to let earthbound folks peek into my world, has all been for naught when I hear that “bus driver” comment. But the truth be told, sometimes that is exactly how I feel when at work in the cockpit.

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My closet with windows, a Boeing 757-300. Anchorage to Minneapolis/St. Paul.

I received my Commercial Pilots License while attending an aviation college in the summer of 1976, and my very first passenger for hire flight was what we called a “Lake Texhoma tour”. I was tasked with loading a couple of locals into one of the university’s mighty Cessna 172s, and then spending the next hour flying them on a sightseeing tour over the expanse of that huge lake. It wasn’t anything on the order of a Grand Canyon tour, but this rather large body of water on the Oklahoma/Texas border offered some cool viewing. These were inevitably sweaty, bumpy days, and the barf bags were known to return filled to overflowing, but it was “professional flying”, and I loved it. I had FINALLY turned the corner in my aviation career, and when I handed the Cessna keys back to the flight school person, there wasn’t a wad of MY dollars attached to them…cool. It was all pretty neat to actually be getting PAID for flying an airplane, and a bit heady for this shy 20 year old.

Nowadays, my “tours” take me from one end of this planet to the next. The jet that I call home flies to several continents, and dozens of cities. I’ve seem most of them…many, many times. I can tell you lots of little tidbits about them. For instance; Milwaukee has the best airport bookstore in the system, runway 33L in Baltimore is so humped that when you’re on one end of it… you can’t see the other end, ATC will ALWAYS keep you “high and hot” on the arrival to the south runways at Orlando…so you better configure early. There’s a good chance you’ll get moderate turbulence below 300′ AGL landing on runway 06R in Anchorage when the wind is out of the south…but 06L will be smooth. Don’t ever..ever…believe the Bejing Approach Controller when they assign you a runway, for it WILL change (usually at least twice)! The hotel in Tokyo can be as noisy as the Super Bowl at halftime, and for God’s sake don’t get the chili at the Bangkok airport…your spouse will regret it. Does this sound like the rantings of a person that’s been to these airports/towns over and over again hundreds of times? Yep, I’m afraid it does. Sometimes I literally have to roll over and pick up the phone book to see which city/country I just woke up in.

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A 747 heading the other way.

A few weeks ago I was able to fly a trip that would put an end to all that for a few days. It was advertised as a charter, but not just any charter flight. We fly all sorts of “off line” flights in the airline business, and I’ve done my share of them. Most have been sports charters, and I can honestly say that picking up a load of “20-something NFL millionaires”, and kissing their (at times) prima dona asses all the way across the country isn’t my idea of fun. Some guys love it…. I don’t. These superstars can be a bit less than nice at times, but I guess that’s O.K. when you feel (and are constantly told) that your feces has no odor. This charter however would be something different, for it was to be a CRAF flight. CRAF stands for Civil Reserve Aviation Fleet, and it’s basically working for the MAC (Military Airlift Command) folks shuttling their personnel across the USA and around the world. One of my first MAC flights was back in 1987 when I was a Second Officer on the 747, and I remembered it as being truly “different”…but in a good way.

What makes these trips so different? First of all, there are the destinations. Mostly places I’ve never been to before. On this particular junket, we left at 0600 on day one ferrying the aircraft from KMSP down to Grey Army Airfield on the Ft. Hood Army reservation just outside of Kileen, Texas. Ever been to the sprawling metropolis of Kileen? Me neither. I spent my formative years growing up on U.S. Army bases all over the world, and my teen years on the plains of north central Texas, but I’ve never had the pleasure of logging quality time in Kileen. After an hour on the ground, we were to deliver the troops to Victorville, California, then ferry back to Ft. Hood. A two day layover was scheduled, then off to take more troops back to Victorville. Following that mission, the F/O and I would ferry the aircraft through the night out to Andrews Air Force Base just outside of Washington, D.C., arriving at approximately 0430. After a short nap at the hotel, we would be tasked with dead-heading home later that day. So, with the prospect of flying to several new airports, and ferrying the aircraft three out of the five scheduled legs, I was really excited about releasing the brakes on this one.

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The aviation flight line at Grey Army Airfield. I logged many an hour on flight lines like this with my Dad when I was a kid.

Ferrying is weird. Maybe it’s the word “ferry”, but I would hope that I’m not that -phobic. I guess I would prefer these legs be called “repositioning” flights. 🙂 I would champion a cause that would require all new hire flight attendants to ride at least one leg in the cockpit during one of these ferry flights, for this would allow them (many of whom have never been around a small airplane, much less an airliner) to gain lots of insight into what running a cockpit can entail. It would show them important things like… when we are busy, how we are busy, why they can’t ring us as the gear is coming up, and why we always seem to be doing nothing when they come into the cockpit at FL350. Plus, it’s always fun to have someone sitting on the jump-seat that isn’t sporting a badge with F.A.A. printed all over, or some sweaty, bad-breathed pilot-type.

With all that said, there’s one other VERY important thing that makes these flights special to me. This “thing” makes these trips super …and it’s actually not a thing at all…it’s the people that I’m fortunate enough to serve. I’m talking of course about the young men and women that serve in our armed forces…in this case, the U.S. ARMY. I feel truly blessed to have been raised in this “family of honor”, and I deem it a distinct privilege to chauffeur these wonderful folks from point A to B.

What makes them so special you might ask? I can’t really put my finger on it, but I’ll give it a try. It’s a look, a walk, and an air about them that most civilians don’t have. My Dad had it, my uncle Wade had it (he wasn’t really my uncle, but he and my Dad were best friends from their early Army chopper days), and these “kids” sure as hell had it. It’s almost as if they know that they’re carrying the history of freedom’s long forgotten battles on their young shoulders. They look you square in the eye when they talk to you, and they aren’t afraid to let loose with a “yes sir, or yes maam” when it’s appropriate. They seem to have a purpose to their existence, and that purpose is wrapped in honor and integrity.

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My special charges for the day.

One of the curious by-products of being raised on Army bases is that I can recognize and decipher that bizarre collection of symbols and insignias that every soldier lives by; I’m talking unit patches and rank. I grew up knowing that the beautiful gold shield with the black stripe and horse silhouette is the 1st Cavalry Division (Airmobile) of Vietnam fame. The four green stars linked within the tilted square can only be the deadly 4th Infantry Division, and I know that 2nd Armored Division sports the “Hell on Wheels” patch. And who can forget the “Big Red One”, the “All American” 82nd, or the “Screaming Eagles” of the 101st Airborne? Most all ARMY units have histories bathed in blood and bravery, and I was teethed on their stories.

As far as the maze of confusion known as rank, I can tell the difference between a Staff Sergeant and his boss the Master Sergeant with the “three up and three down”, a “butter bar” Second Lieutenant from a Chief Warrant Officer, a gold-leafed Major from a silver-leafed Lieutenant (or “Light”) Colonel, and I know that nobody loves seeing a “full Bird” Colonel headed their way. But of course, history has shown us that the most important of all ranks is the “dog face” PFC, or Private First Class, for he/she is the backbone of the infantry. Throughout time, in the heat of battle, it’s been the NCOs and the “dogfaces” that have carried the day, and vanquished the enemy. The generals will always get the glory, while the grunts get the Purple Hearts.

I was also schooled at an early age about tradition and respect, and in the military, one of the primary forms of respect is the salute. I was told that you salute the rank and not the person, and that EVERYONE salutes a Congressional Medal of Honor wearer, no matter their rank or stature. I watched my Dad salute lots of higher ranks, and he always seemed to mean it, but it was truly special when someone snapped off a crisp salute his way, for the respect and reverence that it intoned always made me walk a bit taller next to him. He taught me that serving a cause higher than “self” (one’s country) is the most noble and honorable thing a young person can do, and I’ve never wavered in that belief. I loved growing up in the Army with my Dad, and a few months ago (when we were all glued to our television sets) I had many thoughts of just how proud he would have been to see “his” Army, and how they were fairing in battle.

The last days of my father’s active service were many years ago, and all the soldiers in my life then were much older than me. Now I wear the face of four (plus) decades, and all of the troops on this trip seemed to be young…. very young. Hell, most of them seemed like just kids. Both times we landed in Victorville, I stood at the cockpit door to say goodbye to each of them, and I swear that I saw my 16-year-old son’s face under many of those helmets. As a father, it was scary as hell, but I’m sure their fathers feel more than I the grip of that fear. It has been said many times that “war is a young man’s game”, and I guess it’s a true statement. However, that doesn’t make it any easier for the young widow or the grieving family. These young men and women serve a dangerous profession.

5
Descending inbound to KVCV. If it looks hot, it’s only because it was.

Even “the brass” sitting in first class seemed young. Heck the Captains looked 20, the Majors 25, and the “full bird” looked all of 30 years old. I’m actually not joking at all…they really seemed (to me) to be that young. With the current events in Iraq and elsewhere in the world, there is very good possibility that these folks will be deployed to a combat zone sometime during their time in uniform. If they do deploy, there’s always a chance that some of those young, fresh faced, Harry Potter reading, “I was carrying a Gameboy last year, and now I’m toting an M-16″ kids…. won’t…. well…. you know…. make it back…. and that breaks my heart.

My Father once told me…”son, the Army took me out of the slums of Dallas, got me my High School G.E.D. (my Dad had dropped out of high school), sent me to night school to gain a college degree, taught me a trade, and showed me the world. All my country EVER asked in return was to twice go fight her battles. Once, as a medic in Korea, and once as a pilot in Vietnam…. I think that was a pretty fair trade-off on my part.” I’ve swear that I’ve never forgotten those words.

Many of the kids I flew around have grown up in “soft” America, where they’ve had everything from MTV, Windows XP, and “soccer moms” to make their lives easier, but all that has ended for them now. They are being shown the “hard” world, where bad guys fly airplanes into buildings, where RPGs take off arms and legs, and where your buddy’s life can sometimes mean more to you than your own.

In the last few years, I’ve had my doubts about the “youth” of today. I’ve wondered if they could stand up to the inevitable challenges that evil will throw at folks that live in free, honest, hardworking, and descent societies. History tests each generation, but could these youngsters step up to the plate, like the “20 somethings” that braved the trenches of the Argonne, the beaches of Normandy, the icy hell of Chosin and the jungles of the Ia Drang? I can honestly say that after what I’ve seen from Iraq in the last many months, and my CRAF trip a few weeks ago, I no longer have those doubts. These kids can handle it.

6
Off-loading in Victorville, California.

——————————————————————————–

So, when someday a grandchild is sitting on my knee and he or she asks,

“Granddad, what did you do in the war on terrorism?”

“Oh, I flew my airliners around the country and the world, always working hard to fly safe, and protect my passengers from the bad guys.”

“But Granddad…what did you DO during the war against the terrorists”

The real answer will be:

“Oh honey, that’s easy….

I drove the bus that the heroes rode on…. I proudly drove the bus.”

7
The hero’s bus.

One final note:

God bless all the coalition troops, and special prayers to my two nephews that are serving. Recruit Jason Hobbs just beginning his journey of service, and Specialist Nicholas Stewart, 2/3rd ACR, 7th Infantry Division (Light), United States Army deployed in Iraq. We love you Jason and Nick, and we’re very proud of you and your comrades. Do your duty well gentlemen, and return home safe.

till next time,

BBall

Standard

“Requalification Part III” (Final Installment)

So Mike and I now find ourselves in the Briefing Room poised to do the actual checkride itself, and we’re feeling pretty good about the whole thing. That would change within the next few hours. Day 2 of this extravaganza was best when it was over.

The evening before the event, we met for a nice dinner of good ‘ol southern Bar B-que, headed back to our respective hotel rooms, and after a last minute skull –session reviewing junk that I would be required to regurgitate on the morrow, I instituted “Reveille”, and got a surprisingly good night’s sleep.

As any professional aviator knows, the annual trip under the “instructor pilot microscope” is something that (early in our careers) is filled with dread and foreboding. However, after about a thousand times down that rabbit hole, you learn to relax, do your thing without feeling intimidated, and (many times) actually learn something new about your jet. It’s not a bad thing, can be a good thing…but is mostly a pain in the ass thing.

After arriving at the “schoolhouse”, our I.P. (“Bennie”), started the checkride as most all of them do…a scant amount of small talk, and then a look at our Airmen, Medical, and FCC Certificates. With those little pleasantries taken care of, we divide into teams (his and ours), choose which goal to defend, and the actual checkride kicked off. This normally consists of a “round-robin” volley of questions concerning the Boeing Limitations and performance issues, a waltz through lots of pictures showing various parts of the exterior of the airplanes, whereby you simply explain to the I.P. what you would be checking and/or observing whilst doing an exterior walk-around. This “oral exam” typically ends with some in depth discussions (and questions) concerning new procedures that are the “hot topics du Jour” for that time frame. This can be very informative, even fun, but it can also be ugly.

November 30, 1999.jpg11

(Roughly two years into my career on the 757…circa 1999.)

But with that said, one thing that EVERY instructor knows deep down in their shriveled little rock-hard hearts, the hearts that beat blacker than the depths of Mordor itself (speaking as an ex-CFI-AI-MEI and B727 I.P.): no one is perfect. No one person sitting in a checkride “oral” exam will know everything about everything…period. If you simply ask questions long enough, you’ll eventually find something that even the sharpest of pencils will not know. We call it playing “stump the monkey” (or “stump the dummy”), and it’s a dick move by an I.P. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it up close and personal.

Usually, at this point, the I.P. briefings begin. He/She basically breaks down each maneuver we will be required to perform. If you have any question about such…now is the time to raise your hand. Rest assured, 99% of us have “chair flown” these many times in the proceeding weeks (days), and they SHOULD feel pretty ingrained by now.

For whatever reason this bright sunny afternoon (except in the windowless basement of the schoolhouse where all the simulators and/or briefing rooms reside), our “Herr Bennie” decided it was time to play STM with yours truly. Not a big deal, I’ve been yelled at and berated by the best of them. I remember being a brand spanking new-hire at my former airline, on about ride 5 of my initial training to be a Boeing 727 Flight Engineer, and the I.P. literally screaming at me and saying that I was “the worst student he had ever seen”! I was devastated…until I talked to my roommate and (you guessed it) “Mr. Warm And Fuzzy” screamed at him during his entire lesson also informing him that HE was indeed “the worst student he had ever seen”. Wait a dang minute there Hoss! I thought I was #1 on his Hit Parade…always the bride’s maid and never the bride.

So now we have the dude that’s giving us this rather important checkride, trying to show us (me) that he’s uber cool, and knows everything about everything when it comes to the collection of metal that Mr. Boeing’s wunderkind bolted together up in Everett, Washington those many years ago. He’s off into some rant about VNAV ad nauseum, and he hits me with some obscure question about…”well Bill, if it’s Tuesday in Canada, and the distal constellation is in the house of Mars, and Elvis walks into the building…what will the FMA say when you…..” la, la, la…. I gave him the doe in the headlights look, and he pulls out the big gun of all I.P.’s the world over…”wait a minute Bill….how many years you been flying this?” “Uhhh….18.” “And how many hours do you have in the B757?” “Uhhhh…about 10 or 12,000.” (wait for it)…”AND YOU DON’T KNOW?” “Uhhh….I don’t even understand the question Bennie…”

I get the eye roll, he asks Mike, and gets the same response, and OFF TO THE RACES HE GOES to show us that he’s way cooler than we are. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t get that upset, I didn’t even want to smash the QRH checklist into his face. I’ve seen this too many times, and in too many places. He’s just a guy playing “my penis is bigger than your penis”, and if that makes him feel better about his deal, then so be it. I did however, many years ago, basically tell an F.A.A. check airman to go “f*ck himself” after a simulator check ride. It’s a long story, from a galaxy far, far away, and rest assured, I was right, he was wrong, he walked out of the briefing room (as he should have) and we passed our ride. A yarn for another day.

Back to Bennie and our little jaunt to get blessed to go back to the line and do what we do. It’ll be a two-act play: the MV (Maneuvers Validation), and the LOE (Line Oriented Evaluation).

He eventually has his fix of making us feel like morons, asked a few more (relevant) question…which we answer correctly, and all seemed to be well in “Bennie World”, so we head down to the actual flight simulator itself. Mike and I have been in this cockpit so many times over the years that it literally feels like putting on a pair of old shoes…plus we were in this exact “box” the day before, and did a very credible job rattling the dust out of our collective craniums. THAT however was a “warm up”, and THIS is the real deal…for “the win” as it were.

air_534a_001

(The “office” at FL350 ANC to MSP.)

ACT 1: The Maneuvers Validation.

Mike and I strap in, we do our preflight duties, load the jets FMC, load up our Surface Tablets, and start briefing. This is essentially going to be the twin sister from yesterday; operating out of KSFO with all sorts of different weather, different approaches, different “issues” with the jet, and we’ve briefed it all before, in fact less than 24 hours before to be exact! But not in front of Bennie, and that’s huge. Mike knows the game and how it’s played, Bennie knows the game and how it’s played, and yours truly DAMN SURE knows the game and how it’s played. As a transport-category, heavy jet, airline aviator you know (and your experience tells you) one sure thing. Half of the issue is controlling the machine (the PF or “pilot flying” duties), and the other half (and sometimes the much more complex…read harder…half) is the dude NOT controlling the machine. The ring master is always the Captain, but the PM (or “pilot monitoring”) is many times the make it or break it guy in the equation of keeping the dance grooving along like it needs to be. It’s a choreography, and when it’s done right it’s a thing of beauty…when done wrong…well recollections of my disco dancing in college come to mind…uggh.

We brief it ALL again. Start Up, Taxi (single engine to start the remaining engine on taxi out), the Weather, Aborts, Abnormals, Runway to expect, SID for said runway, Terrain issues, Transition Altitude and any “Special” things to consider at this airport. I’ve done it a thousand times, and Mike played the part and attentively listened while I bloviated.

My notes from the actual ride (I’ll only put up the notes I have on my turn “in the barrel”):

– Normal Takeoff = “good here”

– VOR Approach RWY 19L = “I.P. hammered me on the briefing. Mike selects “PPOS HOLD” coming out of the holding pattern, doesn’t take it out and we blow through the LNAV final approach course. We get a GPWS warning and do a CFIT escape.”

*** As Bennie was rushing us to get set up for the VOR RWY 19L approach, I told him that we needed more time and requested a holding pattern. He, acting as ATC, gave us some funky clearance to an obscure point, and I had Mike set it up for an entry into the hold. We got in, I briefed the approach (we actually use our VNAV function on non-precision approaches as a pseudo “glideslope” as it were…works great, but takes longer to brief for you have to use a different manual on your Surface Tablet to brief it…AND…keep the Jeppesen approach page displayed at the same time. Remember, Mike and I had never used the Surface do-dad on the line yet, and some of its “magic”… like showing two pages at the same time… was still a bit of a mystery for us). We eventually feel like we’re good to go, Bennie gives us a quick clearance for the approach, I arm “LNAV” to intercept the final approach course, but Mike gets a bit behind the program, and doesn’t make the FAF our active waypoint…hence the autopilot doesn’t capture the LNAV track and we head through the final approach course. Within about 15 seconds of “what the fkk is it doing now?” from Mike, and me saying we need a clearance to turn back toward the course and for him to “clean up” the FMC…we get a …you guessed it…Ground Proximity Warning System…”whoop, whoop, terrain, terrain.”

F*cking lovely! In the goo, at night, heading toward some hills east of Oakland (and I don’t even have my Crips or Bloods colors proudly displayed), and we get this crap. Oh well, one thing to do (just as we would in the jet), the old “CFIT Escape Maneuver”. Basically, FULL THRUST (not climb thrust…I mean turn off the auto-throttles and push those funny little levers as far forward as you can), stand her on her ass (about 20 plus degrees nose up), and climb like a homesick angel! Funny thing…we were tasked with having to demo one of these later in the ride, so we just got a tad bit ahead of ourselves…lol.

We recover, Bennie bitches a bit, but can’t really say anything, for even though we dicked up the intercept on the VOR approach, we did the right thing by NOT merging metal with dirt. He gave us a vector back to the course, Mike and I pulled our collective heads out of our asses (remember, I had been off for about six months, and Mike for almost an entire year), and executed a beautiful VOR approach, culminating in a nice landing on 19L.***

VOR RWY !(L

(the VOR 19L SFO)

– Engine Failure After V1, RWY 28R = “nailed it”

– Engine out CAT 1 ILS RWY 28R, Engine out Missed Approach = “nailed it”

***On the engine out go-around, Mike was a bit late on getting the rudder trim dialed in, and I did a small amount of weaving on the SFO 295 radial out through the hills. It’s a bitch to have zero thrust on one side, and 37000 lbs of “push” on the other. Thank God, Mr. Boeing puts big-assed rudders on his jets! (and thank God for my Bowflex leg exercise contraption!)***

– Engine out CAT 1 ILS to a landing RWY 28R.

***The F.A.A. (in their infinite wisdom) require that on every other checkride, we actually HAND FLY this monster down the ILS to a landing in “CAT 1” weather (basically 100’ overcast and 1800’ RVR…or just under ½ mile visibility) with an engine out. This is utter stupidity, for in the real world, if I had one motor in the bag, and the weather sucked balls, I would let Mr. Sperry’s incredible autopilot (3 autopilots to be exact) smoothly, gently and no-plussed, ride me down the glideslope and on the localizer until I once again glimpsed the world, then I would click them off, and hand fly the thing the last 30 seconds to a graceful (and light as a feather) touchdown and rollout. Nope….the F.A.A. (meaning Bennie in our case) wants to see if you can “do some of that pilot sh*t Maverick”, and watch us sweat keeping a broken jet flying right side up using our amazingly razor sharp instrument skillz (and a great Flight Director), and all the while whistling Dixie (the last part I made up). It’s stupid, but it’s their bat and their ball, and they can play the game anyway they want. I just show up to sing bass… I did a good job here, although still thinking it’s a stupid thing to have to demo.***

– Inadvertant Windshear Encounter After Liftoff = “really ugly windshear…do well.”

– CAT 3 ILS RWY 28R to a landing = “nailed it”

– Approach to Stall During Departure RWY 28R = “nailed it…lots of trim”

– Upset Recovery = “good”

– Approach to Stall in Clean Configuration = “good”

– Controlled Flight Into Terrain GPWS Warning = “did already…lol”

– Approach to Stall in Landing Configuration RWY 28R = “good”

– Holding = “good”

– RNAV (RNP) Y Approach RWY 28R to a Missed Approach = “Mike briefs the wrong page… we figure it out, do the approach to a G/A…good”

End of my MV checkride. Mike does essentially the same stuff (with a few differences), and after about three hours in the box, we take a break and get ready for the LOE.

Final Act: Day 3, the LOE.

As luck would have it, we draw “Bennie” again…wonderful…lol.

First a bit of background on the LOE. It’s a different animal altogether from the M.V., and was pioneered way back in the infancy of airline flight simulators (by my old line I’m proud to say). It used to be called a “LOFT” (Line Oriented Flight Training), was filmed with old (wait for it) VCR tapes, and it would be fun as hell replaying the “brain fart” moments to everyone during the debriefs.

We don’t watch movies at the end of these things nowdays, but some of the old films were great! I distinctly remember watching one (in black and white…hehe…lets you know how long ago that happened), whereby Capt. “Bob” and his intrepid crew of Boeing 727 airman were in the throes of some sort of sim problem, and about every five seconds “Bob” would turn around to Flight Engineer “Bill” and task him with something to do. Within seconds, poor “Bill” was utterly and completely tasked saturated, and it went something like this:

– Captain Bob, “say Bill, would you begin the fuel dump…take us down to 5000 across…and give me a time to dump.”
– F/E Bill, “OK Bob.”
– Captain Bob, “oh, and Bill, would you pull up the latest MKE weather?
– F/E Bill, “OK Bob.”
– Captain Bob, “And Bill, let’s start that engine shutdown checklist right now…OK?”
– F/E Bill, “OK Bob.”
– Captain Bob, “Oh and Bill, call Suzie in the back and give her the briefing on the emergency…she needs to be in the loop on this.”
– F/E Bill, “OK Bob”
– Captain Bob, “One more thing Bill, why don’t you give the company a call, and let them know we’re headed back.”

***Now Ray Charles can see what’s happening here, poor Bill is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest, Bob is doing nothing but barking orders, and First Officer “Ned” is looking out the window basically doing nothing! You can see the frustration start to build in “Bill” and his “if looks could kill” program is starting to rear its ugly head…crew continuity has completely broken down. Bill can’t get anything done, and he finally just loses it!***

– Captain Bob, “Say Bill, have you got the fuel dump time for me? I thought we were going to start that checklist? How about that MKE weather? How’s Suzie doing in the back? Did you call the company yet and let them know we’re RTB-ing?”
– F/E Bill, without saying a thing, literally throws his hands into the air, and (BEHIND THE CAPTAIN’S BACK) begins to shoot him the “middle finger salute” with BOTH HANDS! Over, and over, and over….

 

5

LMAO. We call it CRM (Crew Resource Management), and the above example is NOT the way it’s supposed to work. It’s hard to believe, but when this idea hit the airline world many years ago, it wasn’t very popular. Certain commanders with a little “Captain Queeg” in them saw it as usurping their (God given) authority, and they didn’t like it…not one bit. But it wasn’t that at all. It was the concept of using ALL of your available resources to get the job done…and in a way that you didn’t have a “Bob” and “Bill” show. Many other industries have since adopted this attitude (medical E.R.s and/or Operating Rooms), and it seems to be working well.

So the premise is to give Mike and I an actual “line flight”. Fly from point A to point B with “normal” things that might happen on any given flight. Weather issues, mechanical problems, passenger things to deal with, ATC headaches….you know, just a normal day at the office. The I.P. wears all sorts of hats…basically whatever you need him to be. Find an issue during preflight…call out the “mechanic Fred” (I.P.), “Barry” the Purser has an issue in the cabing…call out the catering dude (I.P.), Dispatch wants to talk to you…guess what…it’s our very own “Bennie” playing the Dispatcher. You get the jist…he’s here to “help” you, but not break character and instruct you. You’re on your own, and it can actually be kinda fun.

Two funny LOE stories.

#1. I was a seasoned First Officer in the DC-10 doing an LOE from Milwaukee (non-stop) to Minneapolis one snowy morning (actually, it was June outside and the sun was shining brightly). We launched toward KMSP, and shortly thereafter, the Flight Engineer (don’t remember his name) leaned forward with a small note that the I.P. had obviously given to him to read to the Captain (Jerry). “Captain…I don’t feel very well, I’m going to be sick.” Jerry looked at me (I was the PF), looked at the F/E and said this, “Don’t you die on me! Don’t you dare die on me! You croak, you do it right there at your desk! Don’t you move!” (I was laughing my ass off). Sure enough, within a few minutes, the F/E “died”, and the two I.P.s (one for us pilots, and one for the F/E) had him get out of his seat and take a seat in the back of the simulator! We were now on our own….

Of course in the next :30, we had to shut down an engine, declare an emergency, dump fuel, and do the LOC only approach to RWY 12L at KMSP in a blinding snowstorm! Jerry got out of the Captain’s seat, worked the F/E panel like a pro, and I basically just flew the jet, talked on the radios, and answered the checklists as he read them. Worked like a charm. Of course….at the debriefing…the (dead) Flight Engineer who was getting his “LOE checkride” also (and did basically nothing), quipped…”Wow, I learned soooo much just sitting in the back observing you two! That was cool!” (We told him he sucked as a human being and that he was buying all the beer that night…)

 

northwest-DC10-sea060803-02

(That beautiful lady…the DC-10. I spent five wonderful years in the front right window seat.)

#2. As a new B727 Captain, I was doing my first LOE checkride with a very experienced F/O and F/E. Good guys, I had flown with them on the line, and they knew their sh*t. We departed KDTW inbound for KMSP when about ½ way across Lake Michigan we get a call from “Suzie” in the back that there is water leaking out all over the aft restroom. “Could the F/E come back and shut off the water handle for us?
Again, Ray Charles could see this coming…F/E goes back, gets in a fight with a drunk passenger, gets the snot beaten out of him (simulated), and I’m stuck where Jerry was in that DC-10 scenario!

I looked at the F/O and asked him if he knew where the water shutoff handle was…he sheepishly said “no” (playing the game for the I.P.s….they wanted an “important” member of the crew….the F/E to get whacked). I said to the F/E….”you I need”….to the F/O…”you I don’t need….get your ass back there and find that handle and shut it off” (not playing the I.P.’s game….lol). He gets up from the F/O seat goes to the back of the simulator for a few minutes, comes back and tells me he can’t find it. I do what any good commander would do, I send him BACK to look again! (I REALLY didn’t want to lose the F/E…..). Back he comes a few minutes later with the same story…can’t find it….lol. I FINALLY cave and send back the Flight Engineer and (you guessed it), he gets assaulted by a drunk Navy pilot (just made that up), and he’s out cold.

OK…so me and “numb-nuts I can’t find the handle” F/O are going to have to work out any small issues just by our lonesome. Guess what #2? Yep, we experience a catastrophic engine failure, and part of the collateral damage is that the “A” system hydraulics begin to bleed out. OK…time to do some of that pilot sh*t. We have to secure the engine, dump fuel, electrically extend the flaps/slats, and last but most assuredly not least, we have to manually crank down the landing gear….and WHO…do you think will be doing all of that? Not this cowboy…lol. About this time, me thinks that our intrepid F/O was dearly wishing he would’ve found the handle, had his brains beaten out, and could sit in the back of the simulator and watch the two up front flail away like “Bonzo and Bobo” the pair of trained seals!

Needless to say, we got it all done. He was cussing just a bit as he was lowering that last main gear (if you’ve ever cranked the gear down in the Boeing 727, then you know of what I speak…it’s like monkeys fornicating with footballs), but we got it all finished in time to shoot the ILS to 30L in KMSP, land and be towed to the gate like two conquering Roman Gods! (well, maybe not, but it’s a cool visual)

Naturally, “numb-nuts #3” who did his entire checkride from the observers seat in the back of the simulator hit us with the usual…”Wow, I learned soooo much just sitting in the back and observing you two! That was cool!” Dickhead….he bought the beer that night also.

Our LOE.

This won’t take long for I don’t actually remember too many details from this little “flight of the damned”. We launched with crappy weather (requiring a take-off alternate), headed up the west coast for our :30 flight to KSEA, and somewhere enroute we had a “CARGO FIRE” warning light come on! Lovely!

I ALWAYS elect to have the F/O be the PF on an LOE, for all the obvious reasons. I will be the “ringmaster”, directing ATC, Dispatch, Cabin Crew, Checklists, and most importantly, be the “keeper of the time bucket”. It’s all about time management…slow down to assess and plan, or as in this case, speed up and keep the fire from doing its thing.

You can see which one this became quickly. I had Mike get on the radios, declare an emergency and have ATC inform Dispatch of our predicament, we ran the checklist, talked to “Bruce” the Purser, made the appropriate cabin P.A.s, and about a million other things all while watching Mike fly the jet like a bat outta hell. We were approaching from the south, KSEA was landing south, but ATC offered us a straight-in landing north on RWY34R. Mike, how do you feel about that? Mike was “performance peaking” about now, had it wired, felt good about a “fast” approach (the weather was great), and I cut him loose. “Bruce” was calling with sitreps in the cabin…floor is hot….smoke in the aft of the cabin…have moved passengers to front…etc. Good man. I now had enough info to make the big decisions….we WILL BE EVACUATING THE JET ON THE RUNWAY. Bruce knew it, ATC knew it, Mike knew it, Dispatch knew it….pretty sure even the Kardashians knew it by this time.

We kept up with the checklists, Mike elected to use “MAX AUTO” on the autobrakes (good thing, ‘cause we were going to us them regardless of what Mike wanted…it’s good to be King), and I directed him to slow when he felt comfortable, but stay fast as long as he could (we were well past the 250 kts below 10,000’ rule by now). Checklists done, Bruce ready in the cabin, Mike flying like a big dog…all that was left was to plop it on the pavement, get ‘er stopped, and get everyone off.

He did, we did, and they did. ATC said it looked like a fire when we were on short final, and Mike performed flawlessly. He planted the big jet on the runway, we screeched to a halt (MAX AUTO works like a charm), and we began the EMERGENCY EVACUATION CHECKLIST. When that was done, I did my “Sully” routine…took my flashlight, cleared the cabin, and exited from the farthest aft (useable) exit. We then headed for the nearest “virtual lounge”….

evac

(These things are NEVER without injuries…ugly to be sure.)

LOE complete.
MV complete.

Mike and I were now OFFICIALLY back in the game. He and I shook hands, I thanked him for being a terrific partner, and wished him luck on the line (with the promise to buy him a cold beer next time our paths crossed). He left to drive back home (he lived in the next state over), and I nestled into seat 22B (lodged between two fat guys…what else?), and winged my way back toward the Northland.

It had been a very long five + months away from my world in the cockpit…but it wasn’t the first time I had ridden that rollercoaster. I LOVED the parts about being with my lovely wife and youngest daughter every day, sleeping in my own bed EVERY night (weird to be sure), having the ability to eat and workout on MY daily schedule and not the airline’s (my waistline approved), and just generally feeling “better” physically and/or mentally. It’s a hard job kicking your body’s ass all over the world each month. Lots of strange times, strange meals, strange beds, and just when you start to feel “normal” again, it’s time to pack the trusty suitcase, kiss the loved ones goodbye and head toward the setting sun.

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(from one of my favorite destinations…Palau)

Someday (in the not so distant future) the merry-go-round will turn its last turn, the music will stop, and yours truly will step off for the very last time. Will I miss it? Of course I will. Will I miss MVs and LOEs? LMAO…what do you think?

It’s good to be back.

me ckpt 1

’till next time…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“Requalification Part II”

In the last installment, we saw that “Mike” and I met “Larry” (our I.P. for Day1), and we eased into the scheduled “3 fun filled days in the box from hell”. Larry was actually quite cool, and put us at ease rather quickly. So after our little hour of remedial Surface tablet instruction, Larry began the briefing concerning all the maneuvers he had planned for us this day (the list is at the end of Part 1). But one must ask the question, had we both NOT done all of these things in the simulator many times before? Yes we had. Had we forgotten how to do them in the last five months off (or in Mike’s case, eight months)? No, BUT….much like a pro athlete, time away from the game can be brutal to your skill sets. For the next hour or so, Larry broke most of them down, and we “chalk board flew” them step by step. It helped.

Many of the things we would be doing this day were things that most ANY instrument, multi-engine rated pilot could do in their respective machines, but we are not just “any” pilots. It sounds a bit narcissistic, but we represent the very pinnacle of our profession. We are Airline Transport Rated, Boeing or Airbus type rated, wide-body international qualified aviators, employed by a giant, world-renown airline, and by-God we better be up to the task.

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The briefing went well, some dust was blown off of our collective brains, and after a few questions, we departed for the simulator itself. Strangely enough, after climbing into these funny little “rooms on stilts” for most of my adult life, I’m still amazed at how cool they really are. In the old days, the crews (from DC-3s to Boeing 707s) had to find a jet that was not being used in line operations; which usually meant in the middle of the night, and spend hours cutting holes in the sky in holding patterns, doing countless approaches (and missed approaches), and heaven knows how many touch and goes. This of course, was not only incredibly cost prohibitive to the airline, but was actually rather dangerous. More than one line lost entire crews in training accidents.

Along came the early simulators, and with them, the associated big-assed map-boards. These things were usually mounted vertically within some massive room, and had many tiny little towns, villages, trees, roads, airports, etc., all arranged as in real life. One of my first tours through the American Airlines pilot training academy way back in the late 70s (while attending college), brought our tour group into the big room where this giant map was held. It sounds crazy, but a camera “flew” around this map, and this was the “visual” that you would see while in the simulator cockpit. Not kidding here, it really worked that way. I often wondered what happened when you “crashed”. Did the tiny little car/village/tree/cow have to be re-glued back onto the map? I would guess the answer was yes…lol.

787 Simulator - Exterior View K65021

Firmly in the seat now, tablet all set up, seat belt on (yes, we do wear the belt/harnesses…these things have been known to come down hard off the jacks, and a back injury can stop a career quickly), and it was time to “let the games begin”. Larry had us positioned at a gate in SFO, so we could begin with our respective “flow patterns” associated with each pilot position’s Pre-Flight duties…a great way to get back up on that (simulated) horse as it were. Obviously, we don’t just plop our big butts down, stick the keys in the ignition, crank her up, and away we go! Nope, just doesn’t work that way. We have a VERY specific choreography of where we begin in our pre-flight duties, and where we end. When the myriad of things to check and set are finished, the talking begins in earnest.

We converse liberally, and this is the meat of the check-ride…any check-ride (or any good line flight truth be told). Good, effective communications is a must in my profession. We brief the rest of the cockpit crew on lots of very specific things. I’m usually briefing just one other brain, but ocean crossings require we have at least one “relief” pilot depending on the duration of the flight, so sometimes it’s one or two more included into this verbal huddle. I won’t go into ALL of the things we discuss, rest assured we cover pretty much everything…ordinary or not. In real life, I also spend some quality time briefing the cabin crew. They too need to know about things that will affect their lives for the next several hours…weather (turbulence/delays, etc.), mechanical issues, security concerns, and the like. We talk a lot, and we talk often.

The day in question then became a bit of blur, but, as luck would have it, I kept notes for just this occasion. We pushed back, started one of the engines, taxied to RWY 01, and about ½ way there, the F/O started the second motor. This doesn’t wad my panties into a bunch, for it’s more of an exercise to assess the F/O’s ability to perform a cross-bleed start (and use the correct flow pattern and checklist). I basically taxi the big machine, let him (or her) do all the work, and sit there looking regal and handsome. As it should be.

We launched off of 01R, and shortly after that, we were instructed that we would be diverting back into SFO (don’t remember why…out of Columbian coffee maybe?). “ATC” slowed us down below flap extension speed, and guess what? When attempting to extend the flaps, we experienced a trailing-edge flap malfunction. We proceeded to do the checklists involved, briefed and accomplished a visual approach to RWY 28L, all without incident.

Larry then pushed a button and we were “snap-shotted” back into take-off position on RWY 28R for an IFR take-off. WX was now at 100’ overcast, RVR of 1600’ with a 10KT left crosswind….just a lovely day in the “city by the Bay”. We made sure all the boxes were checked when doing something like this (engine anti-ice on, take-off alternate, etc), and off we went. Larry then gave us vectors to accomplish the VOR RWY 19L approach. We (again) went through all the checklists and briefings, configured the machine correctly, flew the approach, and landed (again) without incident.

Back into position on RWY 28R, WX now 100’ overcast, 500’ RVR and that same pesky 10 KT left crosswind. Another “yawner” of a take-off…but…when in the box (and in real life), professional pilots live by the following credo: “every take-off will end in an abort, and every approach will end in a go-around”. What? It’s all about mental preparedness. Be mentally ready on EVERY take-off to perform an abort at a whisker under V1, and you’ll never be caught napping on the take-off roll. Also, be prepared (and brief) to do a go-around at 50’ on every landing and (again) you won’t be caught with your pilot skills around your ankles when you need them most. I’ve done more go-arounds in the last 30 years on clear, beautiful days while flying a visual approach, then I’ve ever done in IFR weather.

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(A rainy day in Narita, Japan. I had just stepped out of this machine, and was headed toward the Customs/Immigration line…)

Speaking of IFR. Larry now gave us vectors around to do the “ILS RWY 28R, Glideslope Inop” approach. Not much of an event nowadays with the advent of VNAV. It’s fairly simple to set up the machine to fly a faux glideslope down to your MDA, but you DO need an understanding of how/what/where/why. A certain B777 carrier boned this up a couple of years ago into this very airport, with disastrous consequences. Oh, and speaking of go-arounds, Larry (acting as ATC) told us to go-around at approximately 50’ AGL on this approach (too bad too, for I had it wired…or so I thought). Bastard…lol…but I was ready for him!

Back around for another “ILS RWY 28R”, with the big difference being that the glideslope was now magically fixed, and the WX had deteriorated whereby we would be working under Category II minimums. The worse the weather gets, the better the big Boeing likes it (I know, she told me). CAT II ILS approaches have much lower minimums than your normal CAT I ILS, and that means you MUST have certain equipment (airborne and ground based) working, and the crew must be CAT II qualified (and that young Jedi, is why we do these on every checkride…it helps keep us “current” in the eyes of the FAA in regards to these type approaches).

The other big difference is that we let the jet do the lion’s share of the work…meaning we use all 3 autopilots, and let Mr.s Boeing and Sperry do their magic and the jet lands itself. It’s a tad bit weird the first time or two you do it in real life, but it does all the MANY things it’s supposed to do (when it’s supposed to do them…which is nice), you watch all that taking place (it’s mostly annunciated) with your hands lightly on the controls (to take over and go-around if necessary), and “VIOLA!” you land in the touchdown zone on the centerline as if put there by the good Lord himself. The auto-brakes begin doing their thing, you add a touch of engine reverse, and to leave the runway, you must physically turn the autopilot off so it will stop tracking the localizer beam. Does it always work so perfectly? Well, most of the time it does. We are required to do a certain number of “autolands” on a regular basis (usually in VFR weather) to keep the machine (and our skills) tweaked. We log each one in the aircraft maintenance logbook, and if it was ugly (I had one bounce back up into the sky about 20’ once in Denver many years ago), we let the maintenance wizards know and they get it back into shape post haste.

So we do our CAT II approach to a landing, and Larry once again, repositions us back into take-off position for RWY 28R. Right about now, I’m starting to wonder…”when is it going to go to hell with engines failing and stuff?” Guess what #2? Yep, ol’ Lare was back at the I.P. console brewing up some “fun” for this retread pilot at the exact same time I was doing my wondering. WX now 600’ overcast, 2 SM vis and that buggered 10 Kt left crosswind mocking me. Usually, when the WX starts to get just a “schoshie” better, it’s time to play “V1 cut” and let’s see if BBall’s reputed strong leg muscles are what he says they are (honestly, hours on the elliptical and BowFlex doing those horrid leg exercises weren’t just for looks…I hope).

Mr. Boeing’s amazing 757 (and the 767) are modern marvels…well, OLD, but marvels nonetheless. In the 80’s the geniuses up in Seattle had abandoned the old concept of “build it like a tank, use plenty of steel, slap tons of engines on it, and send it flying”, to the more economical, and eco-friendly way of building a jet. They used fancy things like computers, composite materials, and new whiz-bang avionics. The brilliant folks at Pratt and Whitney, G.E. and Rolls Royce got on the band wagon and gave birth to the high by-pass fan engines that flew sipping Jet-A like it was made out of gold (and if you remember the uber long lines at the gas pumps in the 1970s, then you know why). These machines became the closest things to a perfectly matched airfoil and engine that aviation had seen in a long time. The two monstrous Pratt and Whitney PW2037s that hang below that 757 wing are bigger than my first apartment after college (not quite as loud though…lol). Rest assured, when one of these babies is at take-off thrust and the other gives up the ghost, it can turn into a wrestling match quicker than a Kardashian can take a selfie!

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Larry gave us some generic clearance…”Fly the SFO 8 Departure, maintain 5000’, cleared for take-off 28R”. Away we went….and “boom” just about the time I was lifting the nose, the right engine became useless. Whoopeee! I did my thing, kept on the correct heading (LOTS of left rudder pressure…”come on BowFlex…don’t fail me now!”), managed to keep the airspeed within the limits just north of V2, called for the gear up, called for all the correct mode control panel inputs from “Mike”, and after getting her cleaned up and settled down, called for an autopilot and the appropriate checklist. I had mentally “chair flown” this maneuver a zillion times back when the realization started to sink in that I would indeed be going back onto the line. I knew that this is one of those “make it or break it” maneuvers that one MUST perform well before moving on to the next phase of getting back into the cockpit for real. Much like the Navy pilots that can’t put the jet back on the boat, or the USAF guys that simply can’t hook up to the re-fueling boom, if you can’t fly an engine-out take-off (and landing) in a transport category jet, then the airline doesn’t need (or want) you. Find employment elsewhere…

Now the problem becomes getting the thing back on the ground. Larry has now raised the weather to be 250’ overcast, with an RVR of 1800’ (just barely above CAT I ILS minimums). In the real world, a smart pilot would engage an autopilot and let “George” do the work (assuming the jet is trimmed correctly), but in this little scenario, the FAA requires that I hand fly the machine on the ILS down to minimums. Is this a big deal? Not really, but it DOES require an instrument scan that is sharp, and it also requires knowing the machine and its trim proclivities. Once you know the thrust/flap settings, and can keep your scan going, it’s a matter of VERY small adjustments, and the next thing you know, you’re at 250’ looking at the approach lights, and making ready to land the beast on one engine. One important thing to remember is to STAY on the gauges even after you acquire the runway visually, for in the simulator (at night), the tendency to “duck under” and go low on the glideslope is always there. Stay cool, stay focused, stay on the gauges, and it’ll work out fine. One other thing, be prepared to “go around” on that one remaining engine. We get that regularly in the simulator, but this time Larry was kind and we met the runway in a timely manner.

Down, stopped on the centerline, and again Larry chats to us what he wants (in terms of flap settings, stab trim settings, airspeed numbers, etc.) while he re-positions us back into take-off position for another jaunt into the wild blue. He also utters…”Oh, and Mike, this will be your take-off.” My brain is working overtime now….”let’s see, several IFR approaches, IFR take-offs, engine failure at V1…what’s left?” Remember, the old “every take-off ends in an abort”? Plus…and this comes from the brain of an ex-sim instructor… if you’re sitting in the left seat (meaning, YOU make all the “go/no-go” decisions on take-off, and YOU perform the abort maneuver), then I know that 99% of all “first take-offs” for the F/O will end in an abort for the Captain. They need to see how the “hand off” of control of the jet during a hugely critical maneuver will be accomplished. Remember when I mentioned the briefings we do while sitting at the gate all warm and fuzzy? Needless to say, this event (and how we will handle it) is one of the most important briefings we do.

Yep…me thinks good ol’ libertine Larry is cooking up something to make the next take-off a bit more interesting than usual. Sure enough, at about Vr minus a few knots, a lovely little bell announces that we have a cargo fire. I kick into gear, announce “Abort! I have the aircraft!”, take control of the jet from Mike, and safely get the hurtling mass of metal and flesh stopped before the pavement gives way to dirt. Larry seems to be satisfied, so he asks for me to set the brakes, and “badda boom, badda bing”, he magically puts us back into take-off position.

We then took a well deserved break, and for the next two hours, Mike did essentially everything that I just did, with slight variations of course (sans the Aborted Take-off). This means that I have to mentally change hats and switch over to the “PM” (pilot monitoring) mode. Not a big deal, but I now would be responsible for all the radio traffic, the checklists, setting up the FMS computer, and just generally being the “manager” of the projectile. Oh, and like any good commander (or F/O), I would be tasked with adding suggestions and/or differing opinions toward Mike when I deemed it necessary. Not much of that was needed, for Mike did an outstanding job.

The only thing left to do was some windshear stuff. On departure and during a visual approach. Sounds ominous, right? It essentially calls for managing pitch and thrust (the difference between full thrust and firewalled thrust levers), and flying out of the shear. Obviously in real life, the best way to recover from windshear is to avoid it like a Far East rash, but Larry wasn’t going to play that game, so we had to fly into it, recover, and fly out of it. Just like in life, if you don’t die, then you win. We did the deed (both of us did both types), and the entire day culminated with yours truly doing a gratis visual approach to a landing on RWY 28R, taxiing to the gate, and performing our Shutdown flows and checklist. Of course, Larry being the dedicated person that he seemed to be, asked if there was anything…ANYTHING…we wanted to do again, or practice more.

“NO THANKS LARRY….but thanks for asking!” (which is pilot-speak for “Are you kidding me? Let my ass outta here!”)

The following were my notes regarding my performance:
– (First take-off): Pitch limit is V2 + 15-25 knots…right at limit… a bit too high.
– (TE FLAP DISAGREE): went well
– (landing with flap/slat malfunction): good
– (instrument take-off): better rotation rate this time, V2 + 15
– (ILS GS out): “LAVS” on go-around pitch got a bit too high
– (CAT II): went well
– (V1 cut): nailed it
– (engine out ILS CAT I): hand flown, went well
– (rejected take-off): did well, pulled APU fire handle (oops)
– (windshear): both went well

So, all in all, Day 1 of the scheduled three round “thrilla in the simulata” went well all things considered. It had been over a year since my last time in the box, and after about 30 minutes, I felt like I was back to about 80% of my fighting form. By the end of the day, I think both Mike and myself felt like we were ready for Days 2 and 3, the actual “real deal” Maneuvers Validation Checkride and the LOE.

Part 3 coming soon…

Oh, and just a small “spoiler alert”. Both Mike and I did indeed make it back to flying the line. In fact, here are a few shots from the last few months:

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Yours truly sitting in a restaurant in Bangkok a few months ago. I seem to be excited by the beer menu…go figure.

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Headed back to Tokyo from Bangkok, looking down on DaNang, Vietnam.

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Sunrise on a leg from Japan back to the USA.

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Sunset on a leg Guam back to Tokyo. This is the (in)famous Surface tablet we now use for ALL of our charts/manuals, etc. The little pink waypoint I added on the right side of the screen is a typhoon that we’re routed around. I remember this was a rather bumpy 3+ hour flight back north…lol.

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How can ANYONE ever tire of seeing things like this from FL390? Sunset over the western Pacific.
And finally…

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Climbing out of Honolulu on my last trip, headed back to KLAX…”say goodbye to paradise Junior!”

‘till next time…

 

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“Requalification”

“Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

Greetings all! Things have been moving pretty fast around here for the last six weeks or so. My medical roller coaster ride seems to have finally ended. The mind-numbing, excruciatingly slow exercise (in dealing with idiots) to get all of the paperwork to the appropriate FAA (and airline) authorities, finally ended, and with that I was O.K. to return to work. But…and there’s usally a rather large “but”…before I could actually fly again, I would have to take a spin through my airlines Boeing simulator to prove to the world (and myself) that I still had enough of “it” to fly the big jet.

WIth that said, here’s Part 1 of that three day adventure.


“Requalification”

(Or How to Go From Village Idiot to Ace of the Base in “XXX” Easy Lessons…)

So you work in one of the most highly technical, regulated, observed, (and sometimes) intense jobs on the planet, and you suddenly find yourself sitting at home for six months nursing a medical anomaly. The question then becomes…when the “gods of the FAA Medical Certificate” smile down on you and all is well, how do you go from standing still to Mach 1, thus getting back up to speed enough to go back to work? You simply have to be equal (or better) to a set of very lofty standards, before they will throw you the keys to the jet, let you load up 200 plus unsuspecting souls, and launch you into low Earth orbit? Its called being “Requal-ed”, and the airlines do it constantly.

In the normal scheme of things, to simply to keep the job, we are required to show up at “Star Fleet Command”, and dazzle the army of the un-dead (the simulator instructor pilots/check airmen) with our immense aviating skills once every year (every 9 months to be exact). Add to that fun, the semi-annual stroll in front of your friendly F.A.A. AME (Aviation Medical Examiner) for a “full Monty” look under your proverbial medical hood, and the everyday normal stress of drunk passengers, bad weather, and ATC delays seems like nothing to your average airline pilot.

But this time it’s different. You’ve been AWOL for many months, and like rust, the world of aviation never sleeps (nor does the associated “technology creep” of your world in the cockpit remain static). What has changed you might ask? Rules, regulations, procedures, destinations, aircraft tech, and yes Virginia, even the way we read our maps. In the mere 180+ days that I was off flying status, my airline morphed from the old fashion way of opening a book, pulling out a map (or approach chart, etc.), and simply reading such, to the “new age way” of powering up your Surface Tablet, “syncing” it to the rest of humanity, and doing the “tap, pinch, slide” dance to see what we need to be seeing. And this means EVERYTHING we might be looking for. For example, to simply read our Company Bulletins, not to mention our maps/charts/etc., we have to bow to the God of the computer tablet, speak its native tongue, and hopefully be rewarded with the information of which we seek! Lovely, right?. Good thing I’m a bit of a computer geek, or I might be feeling like a hemophiliac in a razor blade factory.

Thank God for the company minions that kept me supplied with the requisite bulletins, update emails, training dics, and other assorted paraphernalia during my time spent away. As the notion dawned on me that I might indeed be going back to work, I began the attempt at getting back into “pilot mode”, and it started by gathering all the things I would need to get back in the saddle. But where does one start in this journey of regaining all of the needed knowledge? In a fairly short period of time, I would be tasked with going from a dim-witted, slack-jawed yokel, (that’s been sitting for the last 6 months, on a bean bag chair in my underwear, eating Cheetos and watching re-runs of “Bay Watch”), to a by-God, senior (read know it all) wide body “four striper”, working at one of the world’s premier international airlines. I attempted to channel my inner “Yoda”…but he didn’t answer (must be in the Bahamas on vaction).

The journey actually began over 40 years ago. That first check-ride in the little blue/white Cessna 150, on that scorching hot, July day, with the examiner (80+ yr. old Mr. Robinson), bouncing over the North Texas countryside. The oral exam consisted of me belching forward all the accumulated facts/figures from the paper thin Cessna owner’s manual, and strangely enough, all the worry and anxiety would vanish once my skinny, teenage butt was strapped into the cramped two-place cockpit. Pilots have this funny ability to relax and turn on their “pilot brain” once firmly seated in front of all those funny (yet oddly comfortable) clocks. I’ve gotten to the point in my flying career where I don’t mind the Boeing simulator at all, in fact, it feels quite comfortable. I have no problem relaxing, joking a bit, and each and every time, I seem to learn something new (my wonderful Dad once told me that the day I stop learning in aviation is the day I should quit flying…amazingly smart man). I wondered if I’d have that feeling on this little “spin/dry adventure” through the machine…

So the template for studying all things airplane was forged in the crucible of my Private Pilot training more than a four decades ago. Two things about airplanes that will never change. 1: you gotta move an airfoil through an air mass rather quickly to get it to do it’s magic, and 2: you WILL have to know certain hard facts about your machine, (and perform certain maneuvers) or you will not pass an airline simulator check ride. We call these facts, the “Limitations” (as in FAA/Boeing/Airbus limits), the “Memory Items” (as in emergency checklist steps), and finally the hundreds of items you check on the jet during every outside walk around before flight. I’ve used my lovely bride to quiz me on these things so many times during my career, that I’m fairly sure that she could pass the oral part of the Boeing 757/767 check-ride. Maybe someday I’ll send her in my place…lol.

The first step was to visit the company website, and download the syllabus for the 3 joy-filled days in the simulator. Day 1 would technically be a “no jeopardy” day. Reason being the fact that you’ve been on forced vacation for many months, and they’re simply giving you a chance to get your sea legs back. We call it a “warm up”, and it’s just that. Mess things up, look like a boob, and no one really cares (well, except you). Nary a pilot has lived, that doesn’t get upset if they dork something up in the simulator. I’ve done it, we’ve all done it, and even on a “warm up”, it eats away at that most fragile of things…your pilot ego.

Day 2 is an (almost) repeat of the Day 1 maneuvers, but now they count. In the old days, if you messed things up, you would get a “down” for that checkride, be off payroll status, be given a second “proficiency check” (fancy name for a check-ride), and if you didn’t get MUCHO better, then you would be handed your walking papers. “Canned,  “fini”, “thank you for playing”, “we have a nice parting gift for you behind door #2”… I’ve seen it happen when I was a 727 instructor, and it’s not a pretty sight (remind me to tell of the time I flunked a guy on a check-ride, and later that day HIS WIFE called me crying on the phone…sometimes being the I.P. sucks too…lol). Nowadays, the industry is much more “warm and fuzzy”, but you still have to do things right, or you’re put under a VERY hot spot light, re-tested and watched like a hawk.

Day 3 would be the culmination of this journey with what we call an “L.O.E.”, or Line Oriented Evaluation. The day would start with that dreaded oral exam (to include looking at .jpgs of the exterior of the jet …757 or 767, the I.P.’s choice), then the ride in the box would resemble an actual day on the line. You’re given a flight plan, some MEL items (broken things on the jet that you’re allowed to dispatch with…like galley ovens, APUs, etc. MEL stands for Minimum Equipment List, or the Bible for all things broken), some weather/NOTAMS info, and away you go. Needless to say, lots of things get pear-shaped on this little mission, and it’s up to you and your F/O (and the Check Airman acting as ATC, Dispatch, Mechanic, Flight Attendant, etc) to act like a well-oiled team, solve these issues, and safely get the jet from point A to point B. Sounds like fun…right?

My Day 1.

After meeting “Mike” (not his real name… my F/O for this little adventure) in the elevator of the hotel, we decided to have dinner and plot our strategy. He had been off line for about eight months due to a shoulder injury, but was back in fighting form and ready to rock. He’s based at our big southern domicile, but like 99% of all pilots, we quickly hit it off, and it looked like we’d work well as a team.

We showed up early at the huge training facility (they almost all look like big-assed hospitals, with a bit of a sterile feeling ….no matter how many cool pictures of big jets they have hanging on the walls), mostly ready for the day. After following Mike through the maze of hallways and staircases (thank God he’s been coming to this monstrosity for years, seems like every time I come down here, I get lost), we found our assigned “Briefing Room” and awaited our I.P. Within minutes, in walked “Larry” (not his real name); our tour guide for today’s little adventure. He proceeded to put us at ease by asking about our reasons for the “Special Re-Qual”, and like any good instructor, gave us a good little “war story” about something similar that he experienced during his career (many of the Instructor/Check Airmen are retired from the airline, and work part time at the Training Center for whatever reason: extra money, bored, wife wants them gone like the last 30 years…lots of reasons.)

IMG_0859a

(doesn’t this look like a place where LOTS of fun things happen?)

The day’s work began when Larry asked us how comfortable we felt with our Surface Tablets, for we would be tasked with using them in the simulator for the next 3 days. This was met with two “doe in the headlights” looks coming from the two morons sitting across the table from him…and the sounds of crickets chirping. We had both watched the “training disc” sent to our respective homes, but as far as feeling good about using the device…”well, I know how to…ummm….push the O-N button….and that’s about it.” Larry laughed this off, for he felt our pain, and proceeded to spend the next hour getting us up to speed on this little grey box from hell. (side note: after using it for the last six weeks…to include a 12 day trip to Asia…I actually like it. It has some “quirks”, but for the most part is pretty cool)

At the termination of our “remedial tablet” training, Larry’s face lost a little of its jovialness, and we got down to brass tacks. He launched into the briefing on what we would be doing that day, and here’s the laundry list of what our next four hours would look like:

– Before Start Operations

– Pushback/ Start Operations

– Taxi/Before Takeoff Operations

– Instrument Takeoff Operations

– Engine Failure After V1 Operations

– Rejected Takeoff Operations

– Visual Approach Operations

– Non-Precision Approach Operations (one each pilot)

– CAT II ILS Precision Approach – Missed Approach Operations (each pilot one from below)

o Engine Out Go-Around

o Manual Go-Around

o Rejected Landing

– Landing Operations

– Landing With Engine-out Operations

– Landing with Slat/Flap Malfunction Operations (one each pilot)

– Inadvertent Windshear Encounter Operations (one each pilot)

o Windshear After Liftoff

o Windshear encounter during Approach Procedures

End of Briefing.

Piece of cake…right? 🙂

Next…part 2.

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“Little Max”

Greetings fine folks!

Good news on the medical front! Looks like I may be going back to being a “working stiff” soon. The mysterious eye affliction has cleared itself, the Opthalmologist has cleared me, my FAA doctor has cleared me, and now it’s just a matter of HIS bosses in the Regional FAA Office doing their papework dance and issuing me my “1st Class Medical Certificate”. It seems like years since I was in a cockpit (only four and half months to be exact), but I must confess I grow tired of the doctor’s offices, the hoops that require jumping through, and all the hard work that my lovely bride has asked of me!

Actually, that last one is a lie. If there’s been any silver lining to all of this, it’s the fact that I’ve had the joy of spending more time with my wonderful wife (and youngest daughter) than I have in years. From a person that’s travelled non-stop for the last 35 years, it’s been a bit weird being in the same time zone for so long. What’s this about sleeping through the night? Eating at the same body-clock time every day? The hell you say! I have enjoyed being on a REGULAR work-out schedule (and my waistline has shown the results…lol)…but…

…it’s time to get back to work and let the journey continue.

I’ll keep you in the loop.

In the meantime, here’s a piece I wrote several years ago. His name is “Max”, and I can still picture his face.

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Over the years as I’ve piloted my airliner through the heavens , I’ve spent time thinking about the lives I have in my hands,. Technically though, that statement is something of a misnomer. My hands only control the physical operation of the aircraft on any given flight, it’s actually my brain that holds my charges well-being in the balance. Most of the time, the only contact I have with the folks that sit on the other side of the cockpit door is at the end of the flight as they exit the machine. If at all possible, I try to finish my shutdown duties quickly enough to stand in the cockpit door and wish my customers a heartfelt “thank you” and “goodbye”. Occasionally I have an experience like the day I will describe below, for on those rare flights, I have the chance to meet some of the people that put their trust, their faith, and their lives in my hands for safe keeping. When that happens, it invariably leaves me with a feeling of awe and respect for the awesome magnitude that my life’s work holds.

Gate LGA

(Parked at Gate 5 in KLGA)

It was a clear and warm this particular evening in New York and we found ourselves moored at gate 5 at arguably the ugly step-sister of the 3 airports serving the “city that never sleeps”. We were preparing to leave La Guardia airport for a short milk-run trip over to Detroit, and the preliminary look at all the paperwork showed that this should be a ho-hum event. That would change quickly, for as our departure time grew near, three very special, very different people would come into my life and interrupt my happy little world in the cockpit.

I had finished my preflight duties early, and found that I had little to do but watch the clock tick down to our scheduled launch time, so I took the opportunity to enjoy a brief respite from the harried world of aviation in the New York area, and simply sit back to enjoy a fresh cup of my airlines best java. From behind me in the boarding door I heard a woman saying to her little someone, “see, that’s were the pilots sit”. As I turned to greet them, I found myself face to face with a young lad of about four or five years of age. His smile met mine and I immediately waved him up into the cockpit. With two cobalt blue eyes as wide as saucer plates, he cautiously came forward and we talked for a few minutes.

He was an adorable little boy. Standing about three foot nothing, he was dressed like many of his age…adorned in a mini version of a football jersey with little rumpled blue jeans, all complete with the (required) untied tennis shoes. In other words, he was the picture of a rough and tumble little tike his age; truly from within a Normal Rockwell painting. He shouldered a backpack full of little boy treasures, was beside himself with many questions, and judging by their smiles, he was the pride and joy of the two people standing in the cockpit doorway. We greeted each other, I gave him some plastic aviator wings, a Boeing 757 “baseball” card, and we conversed as only a fifty year difference in ages would allow.

He told me his name was Max, and that he was going to be a football star when he grew up. The F/O and I introduced ourselves, and we talked for a bit. I showed him some of the cool flashing red and green lights we have on our instrument panels, and even tested some warning systems that have “voices” associated with them. His big eyes grew bigger and his bright smiled suggested that he was having almost as much fun as I was. Within a few minutes he was gone and I turned around in my seat to smile and reflect about my three wonderful children, and how very lucky I am to have them in my life.

Me cockpit MSP

(Yours truly at the gate in Minneapolis several years ago. I know what my daughters would say…”Hey that’s back when you HAD HAIR!” Lol…women.)

The next person to interrupt my cockpit tranquility, was someone I never actually met, for I was merely informed of his presence by the Lead Flight Attendant. He boarded with two agents of the Secret Service, and was immediately rushed to his First Class seat to be guarded and sequestered from the other passengers as much as possible. This man held the esteemed position of the Secretary of the United States Treasury, and with his hands on the purse strings of one of the most powerful nations in the world; he would indeed fit the definition of a V.I.P. In a few hours we would taxi into the gate in Detroit and be met by a dozen or more very stern looking government agents, both in the jetway and on the ramp next to their vehicles. Their job of making sure this man would have the luxury of his next breath (in an age where too many people believe that murder is a fine means to a political end), was neither to be envied nor taken lightly. At the termination of this evening’s flight, he would be rushed off to whatever destination his duties required.

And that brings me to the last person that carved a place in my psyche on this flight. She was at first glance a very ordinary looking woman in every respect. Average height, average build, mid-thirties, and seemed to be very un-remarkable except for one small detail; she was utterly and completely terrified to be on my aircraft. She came forward into the cockpit, sat down behind me on the jump-seat, and with a large dose of trepidation, began to explain to us her problem. It seems that she suffered from severe bouts of claustrophobia…not a good thing to have in a metal tube crammed with hundreds of human beings.

I could immediately tell that the look in her eyes was born from the terror of two demons, the known, and the equally horrid unknown. The known of course, were her familiar feelings of being trapped in this cramped vessel seven miles above terra firma, with the unknown being exactly what her reaction to those feelings would be. She nervously questioned me about how long we would be taxiing for take-off, how long the flight would take, and if we would be delayed on the taxi into the gate after landing in Detroit. The expressions on her face were a mixture of fear, dread and anxiety, softened slightly with a glimmer of hope based on my answers to her questions.

Naturally, as her Captain I’m responsible for not only her well-being, but in this case, to a certain extent her sanity. She would expect me to “have all the answers” for her, and I was not sure I was up to the task. Of course I had absolutely no idea how long we would wait at both ends of this journey, for that can depend on literally hundreds of things beyond my control. I’ve pushed back from the gate here at La Guardia during what seemed to be a non rush-hour, only to find myself in a line of jets two dozen deep. This little airport is nothing more than the cross of two short stretches of concrete, squeezed between cramped neighborhoods, on a sand bar in the Flushing Bay off of Long Island. It was popular (and very busy) back in the 1940s bathed in the sounds of DC3s and Constellations, and today with that popularity intact, it can define the word “gridlock” on the taxiways.

 

LGA taxiway

(The view rounding the corner in LGA headed for RWY 04. As mentioned, I’ve sat on these stretches of pavement for HOURS waiting to take-off…frustrating to be sure.)

In addition, I’ve had to sit in the “penalty box” taxiway area in Detroit waiting for our gate to free up many times. The choreography of moving a hundred jets off the gates as the next hundred are landing can obviously be challenging on its best day. With as much compassion as I could muster, I explained those two unknowns to her (being sure to leave out the part about the possibilities for long delays…the last thing she needed from this Captain was a reason to borrow more worries than she already had). My last statement to her was that if we indeed experienced a delay at the other end and she was severely feeling the effects, she was to inform the Lead Flight Attendant, and I would do whatever I could to get my jet to the gate as quickly as possible…up to and including chewing some ass on the “gate radio” frequency. Yelling is not my style, but if this would get us an open gate sooner and keep her from an attack, then I was prepared to do it and suffer the consequences.

As luck would have it, the flight was very routine, which was obviously a good thing for all of us. We rounded the corner on the taxiway for runway 04 in La Guardia and unbelievably, we were number one for departure! We lifted off without delay, climbed quickly to our flight level, and settled down for the hour and a half journey. The evening air was very smooth, the ride superb, and we were treated to a spectacular sunset shortly before landing (any pilot that tires of seeing this type of display from 35000 feet should possibly find employment elsewhere). With no hint of delays from the air traffic controllers inbound over Lake Erie, it began to look like Lady Luck was indeed riding comfortably with us on this flight.

 

Sunset Mt. Fuji

(Sunset looking west at Mount Fuji. On this flight last summer, we were inbound to Tokyo Narita from Guam.)

I purposely pulled all the tricks out of my “pilot skills” bag, made a smooth approach to runway 03R in Detroit, and a better than average landing. Truth be told, I was trying especially hard for a gentle touchdown for the lady with the health issues. Rare is the pilot that will say he doesn’t wear the shame of a bounced landing long after the fact, I know I do. Being a few minutes early, I was concerned about arrival gate availability, but low and behold, our gate was open. I’m certain it was due to the Secret Service needs for expeditious handling of their charge. Whatever the reason, I was pleased that there would be no “penalty box” for us tonight, and we taxied to the gate rather quickly. In no time, I was setting the brakes, and asking the First Officer for the Parking Checklist. With this “milk run” over and everyone safely deplaned, I now had time to think about the people who had just given me their ultimate trust…their very lives to safeguard. In particular, I found myself thinking of those three very different, but important people, and the ramifications of my decisions during the last few hours.

How would I have changed countless histories had I NOT safely gotten these three to their intended destination this night? For instance, would one of the richest economies in the world have been affected with the loss of this cabinet level Secretary? Would his successor have the wisdom required for the job, or would he/she have steered the country and its economic engine in the wrong direction. And if America’s economy failed, how would this effect millions of lives across the globe? His demise might well lead to economic chaos and heartache on a massive scale.

Would the woman with the claustrophobia have been just another statistic in a news flash or a number on an accident report? Would the media learn of her story and the nightmarish battles she fought with her affliction? Would the hell that any simple flight might hold become her legacy, or would her problems die with her? With no personal experience regarding her medical condition, I could but guess how she must have felt for those couple of hours trapped in that metal prison. I shuddered at the thought.

Truth be told though, my overpowering thoughts this evening were of little Max, with his cherubic smiling little face. He almost certainly has a long life to live, little boy things to accomplish, and when manhood is reached, a family to have and to love. I couldn’t help but follow farther down the path with my thinking. Would he grow up to lead an industry? Paint the next Mona Lisa? Maybe cure some hideous disease? How about the possiblity of becoming the mighty football hero that lives in his dreams? Someday his grandchildren will sit on his lap and listen to stories of when he was a child, and how different things were “way back when”…and this made me smile. Had I not fulfilled my part of the bargain that night, his future and the family genealogy he would supply, would have perished with us, and the ramifications of that were more than I cared to think about.

He of course, will forget his encounter with me on that warm November evening in New York, but I doubt that I will soon forget him. Maybe it was his sweet little “childlike innocence” that made his trust in me more real, more special than usual. I’m convinced that he didn’t understand that the funny man he was talking to in that room (with all the cool lights and funny sounds) could alter his future, or even destroy it if he’s negligent in his duties, but rest assured my little friend, “that man” understood it.

It goes without saying, but all professional aviators feel that every one of our passengers are very important people; as well we should. However, maybe on this night, that little angel with the excited voice, the glowing eyes, and the big smile seemed just a little more important, maybe just a little more special than the rest. Have a wonderful life my little friend Max, and come fly with me again anytime.

See you in the skies…

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“Did He Say Bomb?”

Two days before Thanksgiving, 1994 dawned cold, misting rain and generally just plain crappy. That’s the only way to describe the weather as we left the gate in that sprawling city on the banks of the “Big Muddy”. I swear if only Elvis were still alive there in Memphis…he would have done something about it. “Bill, do you want the engine heat on?” “Yeah Terry, it’s below 10 degrees C, let’s turn it on…Ken, would you make the EPR corrections on the take-off data card?” (Exhaust Pressure Ratio…essentially, the gauges we use to set the thrust.) As we taxied for departure that grey morning, First Officer Terry and Second Officer Ken were busying themselves with their respective “before take-off” duties. I, on the other hand, simply concentrated on taxiing the aircraft without swapping paint with any of the other jets jammed back in the alley with us. After a layover in Little Rock the night before, we had flown the 20 minute flight to Memphis, and were now Northwest Airlines Flight 632, destination: New York’s La Gaurdia Airport. The aircraft was a Boeing 727-251, ship number N298US, and except for the garbage weather, life was good. All this was to change in the next few moments.

As mentioned before, in aviation one experiences many firsts. Most of these are wonderful occasions: your first solo, your first time in command of a multi-engine aircraft, your first time solo-ing a student as a new Flight Instructor, etc. However, some of these little events aren’t so full of joy: things like your first FAA check-ride, or maybe your first in-flight emergency come to mind quickly. I’ve heard it said on more than a few occasions, that during your career as a professional pilot “you’ll get one of everything”, and that seems to be true. Before this day was done, I would be able to put a check in the box marked “Bomb Threat”; and that’s not necessarily a good thing.

Just about the time I had called for Terry to set the flaps to their normal take-off position of 15 degrees, we received a “ding dong” chime from the Lead Flight Attendant. S/O Ken answered it, and by the tone of his voice I could tell that it was something important (not the usual issues like we’re out of Colombian coffee, lol.). Needless to say, my ears began to perk up. “OK, I’ll tell him, and why don’t you come on up” was Ken’s response. He hung up the interphone mic, and turned to face me. What he was to say, would affect the lives of 146 strangers and my crew of six for the next several hours. It came out as, “Bill, you’re gonna love this, we’ve got a bomb threat.” My “steely-eyed, squared-jawed, Captain-like” response came out as, “Huh?”

Before we go any farther, I’m going to take a break from the telling of this tale, and introduce you to the cast of characters in this little melodrama .

Playing the part of Captain and aircraft commander was yours truly. At the time, a 38 yr. old, rather brand new “four striper”, with about nine months experience in the left seat of the Boeing 727. I was feeling fairly comfortable, for coming back from the right seat of the DC-10 to fly the “7-2”, was like meeting up with an old friend. I had crewed her as a Second Officer, been a simulator instructor and Check Airman on it, and had flown it as a First Officer for about a year in the mid-80’s. It’s a tremendous machine (albeit old technology), built like a tank, and when the “going gets tough, put me in a Boeing every time”.

Sitting to my right, was my trusted First Officer Terry. A tall, handsome, gregarious fellow Texan from the bright lights of Houston. At the time, he was in his early thirties and in another life and time, there’s no doubt he would have been a riverboat gambler. His gold chains and Rolex watch were evidence that he did pretty well within the world of wagering, but his mood would change as did his fortunes. This is not to say that Terry had a problem with gambling, but at each and every stop during our trips that month, he would be on the phone to his bookie. They may have been your friendly “how’s the wife and kids?” type calls, but I got the impression that he and this person were maybe a BIT closer than he and his bride back in Houston. A terrific pilot, full of opinions (what pilot isn’t), and generally fun to share the cockpit with.

Ken was even more of a hoot then Terry.. In his early fifties, head full of grey hair, retired from the Navy at the rank of Captain (isn’t Admiral next?), and was playing the part of the Flight Engineer (or “switch flipping fool” as we called them), just to get out of the house and have some fun. He had done it all, seen it all. From flying fighters from the rolling decks of carriers, to serving in the Pentagon, to sitting behind me at the Second Officer’s panel on a twenty year old airplane. His wit and sense of humor were sharp as a blade, and the fact that he had two “young pups” driving him around the system, was a constant source of jocularity for him. He stayed planted rather firmly in Terry’s face (good naturedly, of course), and kept “the kid” riled up almost constantly. (It didn’t help that they went out gambling on the layover the week before in New Orleans, and he kicked Terry’s ass on the craps table… not having any idea what he was doing!  He spent the entire next day counting out his $2400 winnings on his Second Officer’s table over and over again, while asking Terry “how much did you win last night?”….I loved it).

The last member of the troupe to get an honorable mention is Rose, the Lead Flight Attendant. Wonderful lady, and a true source of help during all that was to transpire. She was from the “old school”, always made sure her hair and makeup were perfect, was hired back in the days when all “good” things started with N…Nixon, Napalm, Namath and Nicotine. She was in her mid-fifties, still loved her job, and had logged many an hour flying for Braniff, and following their demise, had hired on with NWA. There was no doubt who was in charge in the back of the jet, and I was lucky to have her there during all of this.

b727

(A Northwest Boeing 727. When we first switched to this livery, we called it “the bowling shoe” paint job. Most of us didn’t much care for it at first, but it grew on us.)

With that said, the cockpit door opened and in stepped Rose with a magazine in her hand. “Bill, I think you’re going to want to take a look at this” Well, since I can’t taxi and read at the same time (at least not in the confined alley we had found ourselves in), and since the F/O has no “tiller wheel” to taxi from his side, I stopped the jet, set the brakes and took the magazine from her. It was our version of the complimentary in-flight magazine that all carriers have. You know the one; it’s full of interviews with people you couldn’t give a rat’s ass about, junk you would never buy if you weren’t so friggen bored (do you REALLY need a heated litter box for your cat to take a dump in?), and a crossword puzzle that Albert Einstein couldn’t figure out. On the page adjacent to our “Welcome Aboard” message from the CEO, some moron wrote; “I have placed a bomb on board this aircraft. If you choose to ignore this, it could be FATAL. You choose.” Lovely.

After reading it to myself a couple of times, I decided to share it with the other two heads trying to read over my shoulder. Terry’s eyes began to take on the “doe in the headlights” look, and Ken just started to smile and shake his head. Rose looked at me like, “O.K. new Captain, now what are you going to do?” I had three heads peering at me for some guidance, and I was desperately trying to figure out how I felt about all of this. This is, of course, “the rub” with wearing that fourth stripe. When the excrement begins to strike the proverbial fan, all eyes look to you, and you have to make a plan, and it HAS to be right. Even though this was my first time with someone making a threat against my aircraft, I was determined to do it by the book.

Since we were off the gate, the last place that ATC and law enforcement authorities wanted us, was back at the terminal. We were committed to doing this out on the tarmac. As most of you might well imagine, the moment you mention the “B” word over any ATC frequency, telephones start to ring in offices all over America (from the local FBI, to the airline, to the aircraft manufacturer, to the FAA folks in D.C….it gets serious in a hurry). We are briefed, trained and practiced at the art of what to do when this starts to happen, but it’s a bit like getting pregnant… it’s no big deal until it happens to you! We fessed up on the ATC Ground Control frequency, and they hit the big red button (I don’t think they actually have one, but it’s a cool imagine, right?). The first thing that they had us do was to get the hell out of the crowded alleyway (for obvious reasons). Unbeknownst to most laymen, every commercial airport has a “ground zero” area designated for just such an aircraft (be it a bomb threat, or a hijacking, etc), and we were instructed to taxi to it. This area affords the best access to your aircraft, and just as importantly, it will keep you well away from anything important in the case of any collateral event (nice way to say big explosion, eh?). We began our taxi to just that spot on the Memphis airport, while I had Terry suggest to ATC to have the other folks on the taxiway keep a safe distance from us.

I know it’s hard to believe, but now the questions began to race around in my head. Is this a “for real” bomb threat where something explosive actually is on the jet? What will we do if we find said explosive device? Should we evacuate the aircraft? What the hell am I going to tell the 146 customers that think we’re on our way to NYC? And most importantly, is this all going to play out like when we train for it? I had to come up with some answers to all this, and do it pretty darn quickly. I started by having Rose stay with us in the cockpit for a few minutes, so she would hear what the game-plan would be, and thus be on the same page of music as the rest of us.

With the same three heads giving me “the look”, I stopped about halfway to the ground zero spot, set the brakes and began to formulate the plan. I started by eliciting opinions about how “serious” they thought this little note might be. We all agreed that it was serious, but we also thought that it was almost certainly put there by some snickering pimply-faced 15 yr. old, or some drunken moron pissed off because we had lost his bag the last time he flew us. We all agreed that had we had an actual funny ticking thing to look at, then we’d all be off the jet like we were shot out of a cannon! I felt very certain (and they all agreed) that this was your basic hoax. We would treat it seriously, and we would ALL be getting off this thing shortly, but we would not be conducting an emergency evacuation (invariably, someone is injured breaking an ankle, etc). Rose left the cockpit knowing how we were going to play this, so now it was time to tell the New Yorkers in the cabin that they would be a bit delayed. I picked up the passenger P.A. mic, and told them what was happening, that is was most certainly a hoax, and what we were going to do about it (only I didn’t use the 15 yr. old, or pissed off drunken moron analogy).

b 727 1

(Converting Jet-A fuel into smoke. She was a joy to fly…)

So far, it was all going rather smoothly, well as smoothly as a bomb threat can go I guess. The local authorities were scrambling to find enough busses to meet us at “ground zero”, deplane the passengers, take them into the terminal and brief/interrogate them. The FBI bomb team was to be on-site ASAP, and the NWA Memphis Station Manager would meet us when we shut down to coordinate anything else we may need. Cool, just like in the movies.

About that time, Rose came back into the cockpit to tell me that “most of them are doing fine with all this, but one little old lady wants to know WHY we aren’t evacuating the airplane.” Really lady? Ray Charles could’ve seen that one coming. Stop the jet, set the brakes, and back on the P.A. mic to explain why we were going to keep this from turning into a “Chinese fire drill”. Rose was doing a great job of keeping everyone in the back informed and focused on what she needed them to do, and I couldn’t help but wonder if “Riverboat” Terry was mentally calculating our “odds” on this one. “Let’s see….I’ll take $5000 on Crazy Legs Bomber to WIN in the daily double.” I was hoping that if he had to place a wager that he was at least betting on the Boeing crew. “Admiral” Ken was as cool as a cucumber…after all, this wasn’t like going downtown over Hanoi in an A-6 or something REALLY serious…right? I would expect no less from him.

So by now we were famous on the airport property; evidenced by our escort of about a million emergency vehicles (all with lights flashing…oh and we would learn later that we did indeed make the evening news in Memphis…lol.). As we reached the designated spot, I brought the big jet to a stop, set the brakes and was once again speaking into the P.A. mic. “Folks, this is where we’ll be parking the aircraft during all of this. You will be seeing the busses arrive very shortly. In a few minutes you’ll be hearing us shut down the engines, the authorities will be boarding the aircraft from the stairs in the tail, and then we’ll have you deplane and wait in the terminal while we have everything checked out.” So far, so good. “O.K. Ken, let’s have the “Shut Down Checklist” please.”

“WAIT!” (It was Terry the F/O speaking)

I won’t go as far as to suggest that “Riverboat” Terry was spending too much time in a world other than the one MOST of us find ourselves, but maybe his over active imagination was starting to get the best of him. He and Ken had gone to the movie the day before on our layover in Little Rock, and guess what cinematic adventure they had witnessed? None other than the film “Speed” with Keanu Reaves and Sandra Bullock. You know the one with the BOMB ON THE BUS?! You can see it coming, right? As I was reaching for the Fuel Cut-off Levers to shut down the two screaming Pratt and Whitneys, he grabbed my hand. “What if the bomber hooked up the device to a Tach Generator on one of the engines, and when it winds down…..BOOM?”

My only response, was “Huh? What the hell are you talking about?.” Terry: “You know, just like in “Speed”….only they have to keep the bus above 55 mph or it goes KA-blooey!” Me: “Uh, Terry, you’ve definitely got to get out into the real world more often. Now, I’m going to move these both to the “Cutoff” position….and if you’re right, the next sound you hear will be your ass flying through your eyeballs.” Of course, I could go an entire career and not get the chance to do what I did next (I winked at Ken…he caught my drift, and immediately became part of the gag). As I lifted both of the levers over the “Run” detent toward “Cutoff” position….we BOTH let out a big “BOOM”! Terry almost crapped in his pants…I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard ever….still gets me giggling.

B727 4

(All three seats [plus the “First Observers Seat] of that beautiful jet. I used to say the most automated thing on the entire machine was the mirror light that came on in the bathroom when you locked the door…that was about it! [Many thanks to Justin Cederholm for the use of his wonderful photo.])

Once firmly anchored at ground zero, engines shut down, the “Securing Checklist” accomplished, things began to happen rather quickly. On Ken’s S/O panel we were showing that the aft air-stairs were unlocked, and the aft entry door was open; “Elvis was in the building”. Within a few seconds some rather stern looking gentlemen came into the cockpit and informed me that they were the local “response team”, here to assist in getting all the passengers onto the busses and headed for the terminal. The next face I would see ended up pissing me off to no end. In walked a guy that was about as tall as he was round, and he immediately started to hit me with what “we were going to do” (he was the aforementioned Station Manager for my line). “We’ve been on the phone with all the appropriate security folks, and have decided that this is a “sterile flight”, so we’re just going to do a quick search of the cabin, re-board the folks, then you’ll be on your way to New York in no time.”

Wrong there Mr. buffalo-breath! This scrawny-assed (four striped) home-boy had no intention of playing it like that, “Now just a minute there cowboy. I don’t know who the hell you’ve been talking to, and I don’t really care, but I’m not taking this thing anywhere until every inch of this aircraft is searched. Every seat, every overhead bin, every suitcase, and every friggin matchstick is taken off and searched. If that’s not good enough, then YOU fly it to New York….the keys are in the ignition!” Jeeeezzz, what kind of a moron did this guy take me for? Yeah, no question, the note most probably was a hoax, but I don’t get paid to take that kind of a chance with anyone’s wellbeing. And I didn’t give a rat’s ass how long it was going to take, they were going to be looking at ol’ Mr. Boeing’s airplane long and hard before I would take it anywhere. “Mr. Personality” got really pissed off, spun around and marched out of the cockpit. I think Terry and Ken were wanting to give me a big kiss right then and there (ugh, sobering thought).

So now out into the cold drizzling rain steps your intrepid flight crew. As I was speaking to the on scene commander for the FBI, I noticed that my two stout cohorts had taken refuge in the black government Suburban (read heated and dry)…wimps. All of the passengers and my three flight attendants were now safely in the terminal, so the process of turning this thing inside out was to begin. The FBI Bomb Squad was on site with their two K9 companions, and were in the process of testing them before turning them loose on the aircraft (one gentlemen was planting packages of C4 in an adjacent field for the dogs to individually search for and find….if they failed, then they’re not used for that mission). To my relief, they both passed their tests, and into the cabin they ran (and I do mean ran). I followed them in, and was amazed to see them up in the overhead bins moving and sniffing everything at an amazing rate. They covered every inch of the inside of that jet in no time. I’ve heard that a dog’s sense of smell is thousands of times greater than ours, and I was hoping that whoever relayed that little tidbit to me was not mistaken.

As we exited the plane, the ramp personnel had unloaded all of the suitcases, and lined them up very neatly in several rows on the pavement. Each dog had a turn sniffing the bags, and when they would “target” one (signified by sitting down next to it), the handler would remove the dog, the ramp folks would play a game of shuffle the suitcases, and the dog would return to do more sniffing. This went on for quite some time, and BOTH dogs ended up targeting the same three suitcases each time! Oh, oh….not looking good for the home team. I noticed that “Mr. Personality” had changed his tune. He actually said to me, “maybe it WAS a good idea to have them search everything.”….brilliant statement there Sherlock Holmes!

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(One of my dearest friends recently retired from American. I always thought their “shiny” paint job was totally cool. Thanks again to Bob Garrard for use of his amazing photo.)

Now the FBI agents swung into high gear. They headed for the terminal, rounded up the folks that owned the three suspicious pieces of luggage, and back to the jet they came. Each one was asked to open the offending bag, and display its contents. One was an elderly gentleman that had a butane hand warmer in the bag (good pooch, smelling that butane), one was a lady from Korea, and she had some sort of cooking spices packed in her suitcase (poor dogs had probably never sniffed Kimchi before…been there, done that), and the last was a young lady that looked to be in her twenties (I don’t even want to think about what they sniffed in her suitcase). When they were examining it, I was talking to the “fingerprint expert” about all of our prints on the magazine, and since I never heard a “Freeze, FBI!”, then I assumed that the contents were O.K. All we had to do was load everything (and everyone) back onboard, and away we’d go.

So after our 3+ hour delay, everyone (minus one lady that just didn’t want any more to do with my operation that day) got back onboard and we began the process of taking 175,000 pounds of metal and people into low Earth orbit. The passengers all seemed to be in a rather “who gives a sh*t” mood after all of this, and we flew the next two hours without one bad comment about the entire episode (they were after all New Yorkers). The weather cleared over eastern Tennessee, and we sailed right on into La Guardia without incident. Well, almost without incident.

For those of you who have never landed at the “mess” called La Guardia Airport, let me describe it for you. It was built back in the Roosevelt days (hell, maybe even in the caveman days), on a sandbar in the middle of Flushing Bay. It’s got two short runways (by transport category jet standards) and if you run off the end of them, one ends with a trip onto a very busy freeway, the other three end with a splash into the water. IMHO, this place was obsolete the day the first DC-4 landed there, and it’s been getting worse by the day. The volume of traffic is insane, the ramp areas are nightmarish, and the NYC “attitude” (with regards to the ATC people) just add to the level of tension. In a nutshell, when landing at this place, finesse is not in the cards, you drive the jet in, slam it on the runway, and do your best to get it stopped quickly. BTW, it’s the same as the way you get into the other two really “interesting” airports that accept big airliners: Washington’s Ronald Reagan and San Diego’s Lindbergh Field. I was to perfect this “no finesse” progam to an art form on this very day.

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(The approach plate for the “Expressway Visual 31” at that mess of an airport. The top down view…you BETTER hit the DIALS fix ON speed and ON altitude or this gets ugly quickly (and remember, there are about a hundred planes behind you and you’re following some other yokel). Shea Stadium sits right about where the little arrow says “Flushing Meadow Park”…I’ve never had a problem making steep banks so close to the ground (here and on the “River Visual 18” to Ronald Reagan D.C.), but it can be rather scary from the cabin. What the note that says, “in the event of a go around” fails to mention is that you’ll be southbound down the Hudson all right, but you’ll be about number 50 in line to land! Better have plenty of fuel…)

The “Expressway Visual 31” approach went off without a hitch. Hell, the ATC people didn’t yell at us once (a first,…on occasion, I’ve heard them yell at EVERYONE), and the tight 135 degree turn over Shea Stadium to line up with RWY 31 came off nicely (“I got her wired today”….famous last words). I wish I could say it was the gusty crosswinds, or the wake from the airliner in front of us, or even that the sun was in my eyes….but none of that applies. I got the beast into the flare, thought I had it just about an inch above the pavement, just ready to kiss the big main wheels on, when …”Uoh, oh”, we dropped about five feet, and …..WHAM! “Contact!” was the smart-assed response from Terry, while Ken said something about “You got the 3 wire, and I got whiplash!”…..”Bite me!” was my response.

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(In the middle of the left bank turn, almost over Shea Stadium. This is actually a fun approch in good weather….in the wind, rain, snow…it’s sucks big time.)

After wrestling her to a safe taxi speed, I turned off the runway and we contacted Ground Control. We immediately found ourselves in line behind dozens of aircraft on the taxiway, so we were going to have some time before we got to the gate. My two “partners in crime” were still giggling and making smart-assed comments about my arrival, so I did the only thing that I could think of….I grabbed the P.A. microphone and spoke thusly:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to welcome you to New York. Again, we’re sorry about the delay today, and I would like to sincerely thank you for all your patience. Also, if you were wondering about the “firm” arrival a few minutes ago, that was just one more effort on my part to find out CONCLUSIVELY if we had any sort of explosive devices on this aircraft….for if there was anything hidden onboard, it SURELY would have gone off with that landing.”

After hanging up the mic, I was greeted by two faces sporting two very big smiles. However, it was what I was hearing from the cabin that made the day for me….the sound of loud laughter and clapping…

Till next time,

BBall

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